Stay on track in 2017 with these resolutions you can keep

Today is the day we dedicate ourselves to self-improvement. In the coming year, we vow to mind our manners, move our muscles and show restraint in the buffet line.

By Jan. 17, which happens to be “National Ditch New Year’s Resolutions Day,” many of us already will have violated our oath of office. In less than three weeks, we will have trampled our good intentions.

In the words of Mark Twain, we will have “cast our reformation to the winds and gone to cutting our ancient shortcomings considerably shorter than ever.”

That is why I prefer to keep my pledge list simple. No muss. No fuss.

I call it “Resolutions I Can Keep.”

Here’s a toast to 2017.

I resolve to hydrate by drinking at least four glasses of iced tea every day. Tea is more hip than water. It’s the “table wine of the South.”

I resolve not to go skydiving. The thought of jumping out of an airplane terrifies me. Landing with a thud is even more bothersome.

I resolve not to make Historic Macon’s “Fading Five” list, even though the AARP is actively recruiting me.

I resolve to be kind to animals. This is the year of the rooster, so I promise to be especially nice to all those crack-of-dawn alarm clocks. I also will show a little love to sea turtles and guinea pigs, if I meet any.

I resolve to lather, rinse, repeat, retreat, reflect, reboot, recycle, rearrange, repeal, rebound and reciprocate.

I resolve to use my blinker — but never to trust one.

I resolve to attend some Macon Mayhem hockey games with my three sons. We went a few times last year, and it was great fun. The team been in first place for most of the season. I’m sure the Whoopees are looking down from heaven and smiling.

I resolve, in the spirit of Pavlov’s dog, to salivate at the “hot doughnuts” light at Krispy Kreme. I understand they are low in calories and high in fiber.

I resolve to be a rock star again. Two years ago, I took a road trip with my favorite band, “The Grapevine” and later performed in concert at the Cherry Blossom Festival. The band gave me an autographed tambourine and made me an honorary member. I’m keeping my fingers crossed for an encore.

I resolve to audition for a play at one of our community theaters. I may not land a part, but I’m sure going to try. My son, Jake, is a stage veteran, and I’ve convinced him to audition with me. That would be extra special.

I resolve to declare war on all “robo” calls. If I answer a sales person by mistake, I will ask for their name, number and what time they eat supper, so I can call them back and interrupt their meal.

I resolve not to request an instant replay review of anything that happens to me in 2017. Did I step out of bounds? Holding? Illegal procedure? The play on the field stands as called. That’s life.

I resolve not to move to Chicago or the Everglades, eat beets, binge watch “Honey Boo Boo,” sleep on the railroad tracks or stick my tongue to a frozen pipe in February, even if somebody triple-dog dares me.

I resolve to go to church, enjoy my chill days and jammies nights, turn some pages, dispense my daily “Grisdom,” wag more and bark less.

I resolve to keep photos of my adorable grandchildren on my phone. Would you like to see them? I happen to have a few. ...

This story was originally published December 30, 2016 at 10:56 AM with the headline "Stay on track in 2017 with these resolutions you can keep."