My boss says I write over the heads of my readers.
This is not so. Those skulls under my keyboard belong to my enemies, not my readers. My former enemies, if you get my gist.
And if you do, don't open it until Christmas.
I well remember the first time someone called me an intellectual. It was that day I put on my pants two legs at a time. The day I broke my hip.
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Hold on. That might have been confusing. I didn't mean to imply I broke my hip putting on my pants two legs at a time. I actually broke it putting on my shirt two legs at a time.
But that's neither here nor there. So give me a second to find it.
Ah, there it is. Mrs. Cool Kid was about to use it to make soup.
Anyway, if I was as smart as my boss thinks I am, I'd be Richie Rich. And I'd properly use the subjunctive.
Sometimes I write my columns while flying across the country on my way to rescue puppies from bear traps. Just a hobby of mine.
In those cases I'm literally writing over people's heads. Maybe that's what my boss meant.
But I think she meant it figuratively -- as if The Cool Kid was brighter than the O Best Ones, irregardless of his stubborn refusal to properly use the subjunctive and regardless of his use of irregardless.
Smarter than you, O Best Ones? Ha! Or as Socrates would say, "A!" (The ancient Greeks didn't use the letter H.)
I made that up. But it is true that they didn't wear underpants.
Seriously. You can look it up. The best source I know is Professor Carlton J.M.T. Ausenbergerdorff's oft-referenced work "The Cool Kid Was Right About Ancient Greeks Not Wearing Underpants: The Attic Origins of Going Guerilla. 3rd Edition Now Ibid Free."
I know that silly bit wasn't over anyone's head. If anything, it was beneath contempt.
So back to the high opinion my boss has of my intellect, O Best Ones. I must say, she's not alone in this opinion.
Some people believe Auguste Rodin's "The Thinker" was modeled on The Cool Kid.
Most people believe no one believes this.
To contact writer Randy Waters, call 744-4240 or email email@example.com.