COUPLING: Puppy love translates to building better relationship with your partner

Happy Valentine's Day, a day truly made for coupling.

Remember puppy love? Such a tender and fragile time, everything takes on such power and emotion -- and then you get your heart broken!

Speaking of puppies, we got a new puppy at our house. You know how exciting and cute and precious these times are. In doing a little research on the care and training of our new addition to the family, I ran across a Ted Talk that immediately brought to mind the challenges of coupling.

Ian Dunbar, a renowned dog trainer and veterinarian, encourages better relationships between people and dogs. Dogs have complicated social systems just like we do. This needs to be honored in the training and relationship building. He says very clearly in his Ted Talk, "husbands are easy to train." By knowing our pet's or our partner's perspective, we can build their love and trust.

He makes a few points that can be translated to help with our coupling.

First, we should note that dogs and humans speak different languages, so a common language has to be developed. Entiendes? It takes work and patience to develop this common language.

Second, we want to use what the puppy likes to teach him what we want him to do. To do this, we offer a balance of what you want them to do versus what they want to do.

Like this: we say "Sit," they sit and we give a treat. Or, "Come," followed by a tummy scratching. We give the puppy what they want and we get the behavior we've encouraged.

Third, clear rules need to be established. For the sake of trust and safety, the puppy cannot be allowed to play in traffic or run away. The challenge is to enforce without force.

Punishment doesn't have to be painful. We have to be creative to find a positive way to establish the clarity and necessity of a specific behavior.

Dunbar also names two specific training techniques to be avoided: harsh tones and ugly face. The puppy will quickly learn, "I know that tone, punishment follows. I want even less to do what they want." This only reduces their desire for compliance and, even worse, reduces their desire for a relationship.

Finally, we should notice that we chose the puppy based on superficial traits of color and cuteness, and then we expect a depth of relationship that is based on our wants and expectations. Remember, coupling and puppy training are relational, a two-way street.

It's no wonder that dogs, horses and humans get abused in relationships. We so want to be loved.

Remember the fragility of puppy love and treat your relationship accordingly.

Bruce Conn is a licensed marriage and family therapist, and works with individuals and couples. Contact him at Bruce@BruceConn.com or call 478-742-1464.

This story was originally published February 13, 2016 at 3:17 PM with the headline "COUPLING: Puppy love translates to building better relationship with your partner ."