THE COOL KID'S GUIDE TO READING: Oh, it'll fall for sure, you can believe me
(COOL KID'S NOTE: Since you're reading this column online, there's something you need to know for it to make sense. Last month, the New York Times crossword puzzle began running across the top of the same page where my column appears.)
I'm carrying a heavy burden, O Best Ones, a weight that is crushing down on me.
It's that crossword puzzle up there. Whose bright idea was that?
I had become used to being adrift back here in The Telegraph's dingy. But at least I floated free at the top of the page, riding the gentle waves of the Middle Georgia Bookshelf and the crests and troughs of the Best-sellers list.
Then about a month ago, that big o' block appeared and I began to feel like a Porsche stuck under a half-closed garage door.
(EDITOR'S NOTE: You mixed your metaphors. First you were a boat and then you were a car. Change one.)
(COOL KID'S NOTE: "Aqua Teen Hunger Force" is on.)
Does that crossword need to be there? Is not my column puzzling enough?
Far be it for me to complain. So let me get closer. My, you have dazzling eyes. Oh, wait. That's my reflection.
But, my, you have two eyes.
You're welcome. Now back to me. And my complaining, natch.
How am I supposed to guide the commoners and the Druid nobility in reading when I have to keep looking up to make sure Stonehenge ain't on its way down.
But you know what? Chicken butt. You know why? Chicken thigh. You know ...
(COOL KID'S NOTE: I got a bit off point there. Delete that last graph.)
(EDITOR'S NOTE: "NCIS" is on.)
But you know what? Despite the real chance I could get the world's biggest nuggie, I'm going to guide some reading anyway.
The best book I've ever read about cheese is Michael Paterniti's "The Telling Room."
As a matter of fact, it's the best dairy-related-product-related book I've ever read.
And, as a fact about matter, although weight and mass are often confused, there's a difference -- gravity affects weight but not mass.
Speaking of gravity, if that thing up there ever does fall, don't let Mrs. Cool Kid sell all my stuff.
SUPER BOWL SCORE
Today's the big game. Here's my prediction: Panthers two numerals between 0 and 9, Broncos solve for x.
Now you know why I'm banned from Vegas. I mean, other than that thing with Doug Henning.
To contact writer Randy Waters, call 744-4240 or email rwaters@macon.com.
This story was originally published February 6, 2016 at 7:50 PM with the headline "THE COOL KID'S GUIDE TO READING: Oh, it'll fall for sure, you can believe me ."