COUPLING: Use W.I.N. strategy to communicate your feelings

I got all excited about moving to the Sunday edition of the paper and went deep in the last column. Marriage is a sacred and holy union with deep meaning -- but that can be hard to work out in the real world.

Let's drop back into some basics for our coupling. The nuts and bolts, nitty-gritty part of marriage happens daily and we need basic tools to manage ourselves, helping the relationship grow.

Communication problems plague coupling. We essentially have two people from different cultures trying to listen and express themselves.

For another example, look at families. You may have been raised in a yard full of barking dogs and your significant other came from a high rise with a groomed poodle. We talk different languages.

It's a wonder we ever got together to begin with!

W.I.N. as a communication skill can enhance your satisfaction in your relationship. You'll feel understood and avoid the traps you regularly fall into. A three-part strategy with a bonus section, W.I.N. will help your coupling.

W.I.N. is an acronym for "When you," "I feel" and "I need." I know, its formulaic, stiff and cumbersome, but if practiced in real time it will bring results.

We begin by naming the thing that is bothering us. Like this, "When you leave the dishes in the sink," or, "When you leave your underwear on the bathroom floor."

Start with just the facts; this can head off resentment and bitterness.

Next comes the "I feel" part. Identifying and naming feeling in a relationship can be very difficult -- nearly impossible for some. Basic feeling words are "mad," "glad," "sad" and "scared." It's OK, you can say how you feel.

The problem develops over years of expression of feelings not being OK. Seemingly, men can only feel mad and women can only feel sad. That's OK too, just start.

Here's the bonus round when you throw in the "because." "I feel mad because I'm not the only person who uses the kitchen." The "because" helps to explain the feeling. "Because" can head off some of the, "I don't understand what you are saying."

The "N" at the end of W.I.N. stands for "I need."

They may not have known this was important to you. Stating your needs allows for some accountability or closure to your communication. Not closure in terms that the conversation is over -- in fact, you've just gotten started -- but you have said what you needed to say.

To repeat, you start with "When you ..." and you name the issues that keep bugging you. Next is the statement of feelings, tough but important and compelling, you say, "... I feel." Clarifying this with a "because" can help. And you wrap it up with a clear statement of hope for change, "I need ..."

Double bonus points are applied when you use the W.I.N. formula with a positive behavior and feelings. That kind of communication really pays off! Happy coupling!

Bruce Conn is a licensed marriage and family therapist, and works with individuals and couples. Contact him at Bruce@BruceConn.com or call 478-742-1464.

This story was originally published January 16, 2016 at 9:48 PM with the headline "COUPLING: Use W.I.N. strategy to communicate your feelings ."