Today’s action-packed dazzler actually begins with a numeral, but I’m having to write this paragraph first because The Telegraph overlords long ago decreed that all columns must begin with a big bold letter. So there it is, up at the left, Your Worshipnesses. May I now begin the column proper, O Great Zardoz of the Plains? Thank you. You’re all kinds of holy and just.
1. Told a lie in my column.
2. Read a series of novels that I had already read.
Those are three things that I’d never done until recently.
I rarely re-read books, because there are so many books to read. In the 40 years that I’ve been a prodigious reader, I bet I’ve re-read fewer than a dozen books.
A dozen is a handy number, isn’t it? It makes you seem analytical. Like you’re not just rounding up to a round number. It impresses the riff-raff -- who don’t know no better. And just when you think you’re out of eggs -- boom! -- two more sitting there.
So, reading what I’ve read already is not my thing. But as the old noogie goes: A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds.
I say that all the time. Those exact words. In that exact order. Every time.
If I had to name my favorite author, I’d name him Jelly Belly McShaddup Khan.
But he already has a name: John Sandford. And it was his “Prey” novels that I recently re-read, all 25 of them.
I’m sure anyone reading a column about reading is tuned in enough to be aware of Sandford’s best-selling works. So I’ll skip a summary.
But what I won’t skip is the chance to chew on a wad of injustice.
Yet again, The Cool Kid has been shoehorned into a size 3 stiletto space in the electrical closet part of The Telegraph.
And just when this keloid was about to coalesce.
Keloid is a handy word, isn’t it? It sounds cool, and when the riff-raff is looking it up -- boom! -- you help yourself to their last two eggs.
Anyway, I don’t have room to finish. But ...
In the mind-boggling finis of our two-part dawn-bringer, The Cool Kid answers three questions others would not even dare ask:
1. My, aren’t you clever?
2. Where’s the coupon for that keloid?
3. What’s it like to read 25 books you already read?
To contact writer Randy Waters, call 744-4240 or email firstname.lastname@example.org.