Staying connected in a long-distance relationship

BERLIN - A comforting embrace after a rotten day. Sleeping snuggled side by side. What’s normal for couples who live together can be lacking -- and sorely longed for -- for weeks on end if you’re in a long-distance relationship.

“The longing is especially strong for couples who’ve only been together for a year or two,” says couples and family therapist Peter Wendl, who does research on long-distance relationships at the Catholic University of Eichstätt-Ingolstadt in Germany and has written books on the subject.

Many of these couples aren’t as close and attuned to each other as those who have been in a long-distance relationship for years. Their greatest challenge is to manage their longing, but it has a positive side too.

“Their longing fosters emotional intimacy,” Wendl says, “because they want to be together so intensely.”

So how can couples stay connected despite their geographic separation? “The main thing is to share how you spent the day,” says Wendl, be it by phone, video call or some other means.

“First of all, it’s important to have fixed arrangements,” he says, for example regular times for getting in touch, such as every evening before going to bed.

As regards what to talk about, it doesn’t have to be anything “deep.” Seeming trivialities such as how your workday went, or that you did this or that, are important to relate, as they give your partner a better sense of your daily routine.

To start off with, for example in a phone call, Wendl suggests asking the question, “What do you need now?”

The reason is that both of you will seldom be in the same mood. This opening will give you an idea of how your partner is feeling and what they long for most at that moment.

“To be asked about your needs and then feel you’re being taken seriously is central to every relationship, long-distance ones in particular,” remarks Wendl. 

The question, he goes on, creates a space in which you can be emotionally close to each other and openly express that, say, you’d simply like to be held in your partner’s arms, go for a drink together or have sex.

It doesn’t matter that not all of your wishes can be fulfilled right away, since “this can heighten the happy anticipation of your reunion even more.”

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