You need to tend the mill to yield a good relationship

Nora Mill in Helen makes some good grits. As a real working mill with water, grindstones and a miller, and with autumn leaf watching season nearly upon us, Nora Mill is a place you might want to include in your a trip to beautiful north Georgia.

For our anniversary, we traveled north for the solar eclipse (it was worth it). The hum of the mill drew us in and the miller’s story rang my Coupling bells. Did you know the phrase “keep your nose to the grindstone” has a very specific meaning for a miller? And did you know the mill has a damsel that dances?

I was entranced by the workings of the mill as the miller Tommy Martin described the history and machinery of Nora Mill. Hopefully, you’ll see the parallels that can inform our healthy relationships.

Keeping your nose to the grindstone for the miller is about smelling the tones of corn as they grind. If the stones are too close, the corn overheats causing the oils to burn. This also might indicate you are grinding the edges of your stone. This adds stone grit that you don’t want to your grits that you do want. Mill stones can go years without maintenance if you keep your attention where it needs to be.

Not only does the miller use his nose, he also uses his ear. Tommy said that no matter where he is, he is always listening to the song of the mill and its rhythms. Age and effort, even temperature, can change the sound of the stones as they grind. The good miller always notices these shifts and adjusts the mill accordingly.

Another curious part of a mill is called the damsel. The damsel turns with the mill and bumps the hopper feeding the corn onto the grindstones. Tension on the damsel has to be right — too much corn binds the stones, too little wastes the effort. “You have to pay attention to the dance of your damsel,” Tommy said.

One more thing really got Tommy’s juices flowing. The nature of mass production requires taking the germ off of the corn kernel. Removing the seed yields a less tasty or nutritious product but you can grind huge volumes. The old fashioned way requires more effort and takes longer but yields a better product. Mass produced flour says, “Enriched” because they had to add in vitamins.

Comparing a mill running to running a marriage reminds us what has to come first. This song and dance will affect every other part of your life. To get good flour you have to keep your nose to the grindstone, listen to the song of the mill and attend to the dance of your damsel. Your Coupling requires the same attention. We have to attend to the nuances. We have to listen, dance and adjust.

I’ve seen people who get distracted. Too much work or parenting is rationalized only to find oneself unhappy and unable to do either. Tommy reminded me it takes passion. Being a caregiver or provider is important, but be a spouse first. This is what your children and spouse need. Tend the mill, good grits will follow.

This story was originally published August 30, 2017 at 4:23 PM with the headline "You need to tend the mill to yield a good relationship."