Zen and the art of marriage maintenance

“It’s okay, I know you,” she said.

We were having dinner with friends and talking about these Coupling articles. She was comparing me to the aspirational ideas described. And she knows I don’t always live up to the prescription.

It’s okay that she knows me, she wasn’t being harsh and I won’t be either, with myself that is. The art of coupling calls for us to be our best in the moment — nothing more, nothing less.

That’s the kind of language zen uses. Zen has become vogue these days and teaches this kind of acceptance and awareness. Just be there in the moment. Feel, learn and breathe in the moment.

This can be a really good attitude for your coupling. Let’s learn some lessons from the wisdom of zen. As I said, zen isn’t about controlling something, it’s more about accepting. See how this works with healthy coupling?

And then there’s the whole practice thing. They call it the “practice of zen” because you’re supposed to sit, you know, in meditation. People get special robes and pillows and sometimes whole rooms. Whatever you do, you do it consistently. And it’s not a lot, it’s really just breathing and being still. But you have to practice.

A committed relationship is the same way. Showing up, every day, builds all kinds of good things. Security, trust and shared goals can flow out of the routine of intentionally being with each other.

If you do practice zen, you begin to notice things. Meditation practice helps to clear the mind. You notice the chatter, the worries that occupy so much thought. You begin to refine the intent. A Buddhist teacher, Roshi Pat Enkyo O’Hara, compares meditation to the Celtic idea of “thin places.” In Celtic spirituality, “thin places” refers to the idea of places where meaning and experience are more easily or more deeply felt.

As meditation helps, so can coupling. In coupling we have a unique way to get at the more powerful and transformative aspects of living. We experience the thin places that expose us to depth and meaning. Coupling can help us change and grow like nothing else.

Zen is like the wisdom of coupling — if we’ll let it happen. But you have to sit there, breath it in and practice. Committed relationships take a lot of practice. That means trial and error, and maybe a lot of mistakes, but you don’t give up. Coupling takes a lot of love that doesn’t know the outcome or the process. It just happens; you just do it.

Can you tolerate the space of not knowing? Can you let go of control and live in the possibilities but not have expectations?

I think this is where we can find bliss. In being with the other, we might let go of our judgments and expectations. Accepting ourselves and accepting the other for who they are, we allow ourselves to touch something beyond ourselves.

We can love ourselves, love our spouses and find ourselves in the bliss of our lives.

This story was originally published June 29, 2017 at 3:13 PM with the headline "Zen and the art of marriage maintenance."