Are you acting like an infant in your relationship? Maybe you should be.

Father’s Day has me thinking about parenting. I thoroughly enjoy being a father, so go for a ride with me as I draw some parallels.

Psychotherapists who work with children use the ideas of attachment theory. This is about how infants and toddlers feel connected to their parents. Proximity maintenance and separation distress describe the ability of the infant to emotionally manage their basic trust or insecurity as distance increases from the caregiver. Heady stuff, don’t you think?

The theorists suggest that the infant wonders if the attachment figure is nearby, accessible and attentive. If the answer is yes, then the child feels loved and confident. A certain security in exploring and play may be expected. If the infant perceives the caregiver is not nearby, then we might expect anxiety and discomfort in the child.

You may already hear where I’m going. Are these feelings and behaviors that get acted out in our coupling? You bet they do!

The dynamics of romantic couples have several similarities to those of infant and caregiver. Both feel safe when the other is nearby. Both enjoy close, intimate, physical contact. Insecurity is experienced in the absence of the other. Finally, both engage in baby talk!

An experiment tested these attachment ideas. When 12-month-olds were separated from their parents, 60 percent became upset. But upon the parent’s return, they quickly sought the parent and were comforted. These are considered to be “secure.” Some 20 percent are called “anxious resistant.” When the parent returns after separation, they seem to want to be comforted but also exhibit behaviors punishing the parent for leaving. Finally, the last 20 percent are those who did not seem too distressed when left and didn’t seek comfort from the parent upon return. This is called “avoidant.”

All of this begs the question: Does our childhood experience of security affect our current sense of safety in romantic relationships? I think so.

We reenact these attachment insecurities in our coupling. The foundational patterns of insecurity, anxiety and avoidance are set early, on cognitive and emotional levels. Then, in our coupling, these feelings and expectations get tested and tried.

We hope of finding the security we desperately crave. But isn’t this the challenge? We try to accept the trust given and not let our distorted and infantile fears affect our feelings too much.

The test with the 12-month-olds reveals some of the coping we utilize in coupling. Most of the time we feel secure. But sometimes we get a little scared and subsequently attack. I hope you can notice when your fear is driving you to be punitive.

Avoidance is the most detrimental and maybe pathological coping mechanism. Coping by avoiding usually doesn’t work out too well if your goal is maintaining a relationship. Avoiding and relating are opposites.

So, here is a crazy idea. In a good and kind way, what if we treated our significant other like an infant? An infant just wants to be loved and nurtured. An infant needs a secure base from which to explore and reach out. From a healthy, loving environment, we can express ourselves and grow. Like infants, we even need encouragement, stimulation and engagement.

Hug each other like you would a baby, snuggle and talk sweet, love and feel loved!

This story was originally published June 16, 2017 at 11:31 AM with the headline "Are you acting like an infant in your relationship? Maybe you should be.."