Uncertainty brings us closer in our relationships

In the language of sex therapy, we use the term “arousal template” to consider what draws one’s attention to the other. What attracts you? What catches your eye?

But this is only the spark, the beginning of a relationship.

You may be attracted to a physical shape, a sense of humor or an earnestness in effort. Whatever it is, it piques your attention, gets your thoughts going and moves you toward further exploring this intriguing person.

What I’d like to explore is the uncertainty that can be foundational in our coupling. In the beginning, we just don’t know. We don’t know if our interest merits further attention. We don’t know if any effort will be reciprocated.

The beginning of a relationship has one looking at the other. There is a certain singularity or aloneness in falling in love. We know what we are thinking but we don’t know what the other is thinking. Could they feel the same way we do? Is he or she thinking what I’m thinking? We’re not sure.

But not knowing is not bad. In fact, creativity can only happen from the field of not knowing. We begin to imagine. We wonder from a position of uncertainty. The very discomfort of not knowing pushes us to look beyond our known world, beyond our own experiences.

We stand in our uncertainty, not knowing. With some knowledge of our internal targeting system we look toward the other. We know we are interested. We look and we hope — but we can’t be certain. I believe that uncertainty has some creative juice to it.

We have to be careful with this, too much not knowing may lead to anxiety and that can lead to neediness and clinginess — not what we want in healthy coupling. What we do want is to find that space where we don’t take the other for granted. We want to find the space where we feel a little tension to keep them happy, interested and surprised.

Like the tension before going on stage, or walking into a job interview or bringing out the dessert you made, we want to be appreciated or recognized, but we don’t know if that will happen. All we can do is bring our best.

From that position of not knowing, we can explore who we are, learn to work from our own center and present our best self. Hopefully, we won’t learn to present a fake self. That would be tiring and would quickly run its course into failure.

From not knowing, we can learn authenticity and true interest. From not knowing, we can be open to new experiences. If I don’t know, I can learn something different.

If you think you know your partner, you have to be careful not to get bored, careful things don’t get routine or stale.

We always need to be growing in our coupling. Not knowing can be the compost, the fertile ground from which something can grow. Give it a try. Explore what you don’t know and learn from it.

This story was originally published April 7, 2017 at 7:07 AM with the headline "Uncertainty brings us closer in our relationships."