We have two ears and one mouth for a reason ...

Lately I’ve been a more grumpy version of myself. And yet, my dear wife has been able to negotiate my mood with tolerance and even gentleness. She has had every right to snap back, to complain and to put me in my place. But instead, she returns my sharpness with humor, and my ignorance with mild amusement.

The essence of healthy coupling is found in balancing courageous honesty and willingness to forgive. Not immediately obvious is the need to use these virtues judiciously. Both are seriously important: We need to be honest and we need to forgive. But honesty can be harsh and forgiveness can be too easy and weak.

Striking the right balance can be a real struggle. Can you see which side of this seesaw you tip toward? Do you need to be right? Do you give in too easily?

In our coupling, we have two personalities who want to share, to enjoy the reciprocity of give and take. But we also have two personalities, each with a perspective that is their own. No one else can see out of his or her eyes. No one else truly knows their unique perspective. Their particular viewpoint is valuable and worth sharing. We all want to be known and to share our points of view.

From inside a trusting and committed relationship, we want to know our partner. We say, “How did your day go?” Or, “Did the meeting go well?” Or, “What do you think?” And sometimes, as we listen and grow closer, we risk the honesty of our opinion or — even riskier — we speak the honesty of our need.

We always want to be there for our partner. Knowing when to speak up and share our honest opinion can be an art form. Containing our thoughts and creating space can be as difficult as speaking. What I mean by creating space is the therapist’s trick of staying quiet long enough to allow the person to get to what’s really bothering them.

So, we slow down, get quiet and practice something new. We need to listen and spare them our need to be heard, our need to be right or to save the day — simply spare them our opinion. We do well when we release our need to be heard and yield to the need of our partner.

But again, the challenge is in the timing — balancing honesty with acceptance. If we are really on our game, we feel some unspoken forgiveness.

Have you ever been offended by your partner but knew their words came out of pain? You may have even been expecting the behavior when you surmised their day by their posture. Sustaining intimate partnering means sometimes allowing their bad mood without needing to fuss or to defend.

We need to be honest, but more often, we need to listen, allow, forgive and just be there. It’s the old saying about having two ears and one mouth.

My wife and I were talking about my curmudgeon mood and this article. Her wise response was, “I just ignore you!”

This story was originally published March 24, 2017 at 6:50 AM with the headline "We have two ears and one mouth for a reason ...."