The magic of commitment

In the last few columns, we have been exploring three important aspects of loving relationships. Starting with an understanding of the place of passion in our coupling, we next investigated intimacy. Now, we will finish with a consideration of commitment.

I have often said to young couples that commitment will sustain their romance. But this is so hard to understand when you’re young. The “live forever” and “bulletproof” mentalities of young folks tells them that their love — and by that they mean their romantic feelings — will sustain them forever.

Believe me, you can’t tell them anything different. The early experiences of passion and intimacy overshadow this important aspect of a loving relationship.

I recently polled a few friends at a dinner party. I asked what came to mind when considering the importance of commitment in a loving relationship. Several noted the importance of trust and caring. I agree, as I know you do, that these are core concepts in healthy coupling.

We also talked about being good friends and good companions. Thinking along these lines brings loyalty to mind. Fidelity —or its opposite, infidelity — helps us consider the value of commitment. Just like standing up for a good friend, committed coupling means standing by your man or woman, as Tammy Wynette said in her country twang.

One of my good fishing buddies rang in with sage wisdom. He said commitment is proven when you can agree to disagree. In this season of political discord, he offered that that he and his wife stand on different sides of the red versus blue divide. But they had decided this could be a trivial matter and did not need to be a source of strife or conflict in their relationship.

So we’ve got these three components, and depending on where you are in your life, what stage you’re in, you might value one more than the other. But please don’t undervalue commitment as a critical component of love.

We may think of love as a feeling, but it takes guts to stay when times are hard. Mental toughness helps you to avoid the fickleness of feelings. Getting through those challenges offers results we did not anticipate.

I’m reminded of a quote attributed to W.H. Murray: “Until one is committed, there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back, always ineffectiveness. Concerning all acts of initiative (and creation), there is one elementary truth the ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans: that the moment one definitely commits oneself, then providence moves, too. A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one’s favor all manner of unforeseen incidents, meetings and material assistance, which no man could have dreamt would have come his way. I learned a deep respect for one of Goethe’s couplets: Whatever you can do or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power and magic in it!”

Commitment can be the source of unexpected magic in your coupling. But thinking love is only about passion or intimacy may block the unforeseen benefits commitment brings. I hope you’ll work through the struggles and suffering to arrive at the real treasures of love found in committed coupling.

This story was originally published March 10, 2017 at 7:02 AM with the headline "The magic of commitment."