Seeking — and knowing — true intimacy in your coupling

First things first, I want to consider intimacy beyond a discussion of the physical. I touched on that in a previous column, with an exploration of passion and how that might change through the phases of a relationship.

Intimacy looks inward to the depth of a relationship. Intimacy is about taking down the barriers to increase closeness in every aspect. Certainly physical closeness is important, but so is emotional closeness. We feel drawn to the other when there are no barriers causing distance.

The most profound way of discussing this would be the language of soul mates, but I’m moving too fast — a problem in intimacy.

We will have to start with some sense of identity. We get a portion of that just by nature. The nurture side influences our identity as we interact with family, friends and other meaningful people in our lives. Our identity forms in the crucible of how we fit in our families. This is further shaped as our interests generate our friend group. Once we find some acceptance in our friend group, we have enough confidence to share that with someone else.

Innate drives will push us to pair bond, which is just fancy language for animal attraction that happens almost beyond our knowing. Well, we know it’s happening, we just don’t know why!

Problems arise as we leave adolescence without a healthy identity. Operating out of fear, many will use other means to manage the challenges of finding intimacy. Intimacy is threatening and calls for some courage. Lacking courage, some will use drugs, alcohol, promiscuity and codependency to negotiate getting their needs for intimacy met. This is a bad bargain and will soon betray the heartsick lover.

Intimacy is something we learn in trial and error, success and failure. From the first heartbreaks of high school to the long nights of crying babies, intimacy is about knocking off some of the rough edges and finding ourselves in our lover’s gaze.

Passion, intimacy, commitment — all of this is the good stuff of coupling. I believe our deepest heart’s desire is to be known and accepted by our partner. Intimacy is the evidence of this transaction.

Trust has to come into play. We bail out on intimacy when we fail to trust. Or, we can sabotage intimacy by not being trustworthy. Desire for intimacy gives us the chance to face these twin saboteurs. Inability to trust or to be trustworthy will cause suffering. Many will want to blame the other, but healthy coupling demands that we take responsibility and face our fears.

Intimacy can be found in the growing pains of our coupling. We get to know each other as we struggle with financial frustrations, career decisions and the needs of children. You remember how the euphemism is used in the bible: “To know” one’s wife meant the physical side of the intimacy we are talking about.

But the larger truth sought is not self-evident. As we know our partner, we find that we are known. As we let down our walls, we find ourselves in the safety and sanctity of intimate knowing. And this is what we all want.

This story was originally published February 24, 2017 at 6:58 AM with the headline "Seeking — and knowing — true intimacy in your coupling."