Build a fence — and then maintain it — to protect your relationship

‘Tis the season for resolutions, and I’ve got the help you need!

I usually use this pattern when working with individuals recovering from depression or addiction. But this might be a way to identify a needed change in your relationship. Then you can decide if you have the resolve to follow through.

This template notes major areas of our lives and where there might be weaknesses. In recovery, we need to pay attention to those areas where we sabotage ourselves. Maybe we think we are living a balanced life. We certainly intend to, but we may be ignoring areas that need attention.

These six broad categories encompass what we might call a healthy lifestyle. They are finances, fitness, fun, friends, family and faith. Linked together as sections of a fence, they keep in the good stuff and keep out the bad.

The work for an individual — or for the two of you — is to consider which of these areas are strong and which need some work. If a section of the fence is falling down, the cows get out or the wolves get in. Forgive me, not my best metaphor, but you get the picture.

Finances: Is this a source of stress? A constant argument of bubbling tension? Everyone has an expected income. Whether you’re making an hourly wage or a big salary, we all need to figure out how to live within our means. A reality check and a disciplined approach can be the cure for your budget.

Fitness: Years of evolution have delivered each of us a wonderfully functional and multifaceted body, but to take care of it we have to move. If we don’t move, it rebels. Exercise is a must for personal health and a bonus to happy coupling.

Fun: An easy area to get out of balance, the challenge is to find creative play. Our tendency is to work too much or watch TV, play solitaire and cruise social media. Can the two of you find common hobbies? Try remembering the hobbies of your childhood or adolescence, and don’t be ashamed. Have fun!

Friends: Lack of friends puts too much pressure on a relationship. We turn all of our needs, happiness and expectations toward our partner and they can’t deliver — it’s too much. Friends give us all kinds of healthy outlets and support. Do the work to cultivate some good friends.

Family: This is a tough one because family drama can be so painful. I would suggest managing your own expectations of how you think family should act. Think about it: Your problem with family issues may simply center on who you think they should be. Take a sober look and accept them for who they are.

Faith: Somehow each of us has to get past our ego and self will. We need to look beyond ourselves for meaning and purpose that adds to our own lives and to those around us. Many get disillusioned by religion. Don’t let negativity infect you — believe.

Pick the weak section of the fence and in the coming weeks give that area some attention. Be kind to yourself and allow time for change to happen. A whole new year lies waiting before you.

This story was originally published December 29, 2016 at 7:18 AM with the headline "Build a fence — and then maintain it — to protect your relationship."