Opinion Columns & Blogs

Believe me, this really happened

“Hillary! I need a ride to the debate; do you mind? Where’s that airport limo? Somebody’s fired!”

“Sure.”

“Believe me, if you work for me, you’re late, you’re fired!”

“I believe you, Donald.”

“Beautiful countryside.”

“Sure is; no skyscrapers out here.”

“What’s that? A flat? No! I’m gonna’ be late.”

“We’ll be late together, Donald, but the tire will need to be changed.”

“I’ll fix it and I’m the only one who can . . . but it’s my hair; I can’t really tilt it to the left or the right too much sometimes.”

“I’ll do it, Donald; where’s the jack?”

“You have to loosen those lugs, first.”

“What’s a lug?”

“Those big nut things holding the tires on . . . good. Now release the jack. I told you I could fix this.”

“I could have used some help, Donald. That new tire was heavy. And I don’t carry cash. Why didn’t you pay that young guy to change it for us?”

“He looked illegal. Believe me, you can’t be too careful.”

“I believe you, Donald.”

“Yeah, well not everyone does ya’ know. And if I could find them, I would punch their eyes out.”

“I’ve never heard of that before, Donald, I’m not sure it’s possible.”

“I’m sure I could punch something out.”

“People who disagree with you are not mortal enemies; it might help if you showed people those tax returns, Donald.”

“Believe me; the IRS believes me.”

“Donald, you are a billionaire with a slew of bankruptcies and you lost a university somewhere. We believe you, Donald, help us with our disbelief. The Bible says that someplace. Only you can fix that, Donald.”

The Debate is Over.

“I’m heading back to the airport; where is he?! How many limo drivers do I have to fire in one day . . . I’m gonna’ fix this country and I’m the only one who can, Hillary.”

“I’m not sure it’s as broken as you say it is, Donald.”

“I’ll fix it. I fixed that flat, didn’t I?”

“Dammit, I broke a nail on that lug nut thingy.”

“Hillary, I cannot believe you said you arrived in Bosnia under gunfire. Those were little girls bringing you flowers.”

“I don’t think I was serious, Donald, besides, some of those flowers had thorns.”

“You . . . don’t think?! You don’t think before you say things on TV and in front of the media?”

“My God, Donald, someone needs to write a book about what you’ve said. When a female reporter asked you some tough questions on a TV debate, you explained she was ‘bleeding out of her wherever.’ Your campaign people tried to change what you said into several other things but couldn’t. It was on video. How much thought did you give before you said that?”

“I gave it enough thought.”

“Will you give it enough thought before you say anything to Vladimir Putin?”

“I won’t have to, Hillary, Putin and I see eye to eye on most everything. We are both experienced businessmen, remember.”

“You’ll probably sell each other the nuclear codes.”

“Hmm.”

“I was kidding, Donald.”

“Will you give me a ride back to the airport?”

“Sure Donald; get in. At the convention you chanted ‘Lock her up.’ Who would give you a ride then?”

“Believe me; during campaigns you say stuff that’s just stuff. Who’s the real guy in charge of that computer security, anyway?

“I believe you, Donald. I believe my people were a little hard on you for that ‘Star of David’ thing. It looked like a sheriff’s badge to me, too.”

“But, believe me Hillary, people just don’t trust you.”

“That’s what I hear, Donald. But you are the most obnoxious, misinformed, impetuous, rash, irresponsible and disrespectful ... did I say obnoxious? Inexperienced, misogynistic, narcissistic and self-absorbed person to run for any office, ever. Believe me; that can’t be fixed even by you.”

“Are we there yet?”

Tom Scholl is a resident of Macon. His email address is tomscholl2@hotmail.com.

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