HARMON: Looking for the illusive fountain of youth

I suppose I could write something about the results in Iowa but nobody seems to care. It seems we don't hear, "ask not what your country can do for you" as often as we hear, "Let me tell you what I will do for you!"

It was going to be "bachelor" night according to several friends who said they wouldn't be watching. Our values being what they are nowadays, one could see how an episode of what girl this guy picks would take precedence over who might be picked as the next leader of the free world. I try not to watch shows such as these, preferring instead to see how far my finger can go down my throat before I see lunch again. You get the picture.

Having to endure the "Willow Curve" commercials is bad enough. I want to see some gray in old Chuck's hair, some sign that he is aging like me. For all I know, he doesn't have any hair and in fact may be wearing a toupée and an expensive one at that. My wife is good at picking those things out and in some circles is considered a toupéeologist, or one who has the gift of discernment where a toupée is concerned.

She's really good, which is why I don't wear one. She would know it as soon as I walked in the door. Bob Newhart did a comedy skit years ago about a guy at a party whose toupée fell off into a vat of cheese dip and it took the hostess the better part of 30 minutes to dig the thing out. When he took it home for washing, his kids became mesmerized watching the flying fur go around and around in the dryer. "The Bachelor" had yet to make it to television, and so they missed out on some bona fide entertainment.

She's also adept at pointing out men whose hair is one color throughout, with not a speck of gray, like Mr. Willow Curve. I try to tell her it would be so nice to have hair to dye but she insists no one has the same hair color all over their head and millions of dollars are spent each year on hair products alone to make us look younger than we are. But I digress.

The remainder of this column is dedicated to those men who, when they look in the mirror, see nothing but a desire to be seen as younger. In order to look younger, one should focus on three major items involving hair growth. The nose, ears and eyebrows. These are the three things (among others) that set us apart as being of a generation whose time has come and is on its way out.

You can be wearing the most expensive toupée money can buy but if you have hair coming out your ears, fuhgettaboutit. You will be seen as what you are — an old person with enough cents to buy a hairpiece and not enough sense to buy a three-way mirror. Ear hairs cannot be seen effectively without the three-way mirror.

The first time I looked into one it told me two things. One, I needed to grow a face to fit my nose and two, there was something that looked like faded broccoli heads emanating from my ears. Writing of nose hairs, they grow at an alarming rate when one passes 50. Prior to that they pretty much don't exist. Unless one has a mustache whereby the nose hair can meet the facial hair, fuhgettaboutit. They will become the main focus during dinner and conversation, rendering whatever it is you want someone to hear mute, as their total focus will be on whatever it is they can imagine coming out your nose. The tail end of a very small, furry animal comes to mind.

Eyebrows are those things you may see floating in front of your face from time to time. If they're long enough, you can't miss 'em because they will be everywhere you look. Now you may think it trite to write a column about hair, but when you compare the amount of money and time spent on grooming, it may not be so. A word to the wise: It's not just the hair on one's head that keeps him young, it's that three-way mirror, perhaps found at an old estate sale, that can become that illusive fountain of youth.

Sonny Harmon is a professor emeritus at Georgia Military College. Visit his blog at http://sharmon09.blogspot.com.

This story was originally published February 2, 2016 at 8:48 PM with the headline "HARMON: Looking for the illusive fountain of youth ."