HARMON: Another new year of broken promises
Currently, there is no way of knowing how many New Year's resolutions have been broken. Out of the 300 million, legal or not, folks living here (assuming the census is accurate, and we know that can't be true) you know there has to be at least 2 million broken resolutions as you read this —and it's only Jan. 6.
What that tells you about us as a people is that we can't even keep a promise made to ourselves. It's no wonder we're having problems with our elected officials. What follows is an account of one of those broken promises. Call it a New Year's irresolution.
I had made what I thought was a resolution —so silly now, when I think about it —after the usual glasses of champagne in the kitchen. It was New Year's Eve but really could have been anytime. It was an absurd vow in the first place to not eat any chocolate, and to lose weight and stop drinking until peace was achieved in the Middle East.
Chocolate, as some of you are aware, is something one cannot live without. When the words left my mouth, I could have sworn I heard the chocolate fudge laughing from the freezer. Although it's difficult to believe that a slab of that stuff could have more brains than I, here I sit on my third piece, subconsciously trying to shut the thing up by eating all of it. My MyFitPal app was no doubt laughing even harder, knowing that fudge would never be entered into the database for fear of blowing it up.
I'm convinced that, with regard to resolutions, the possibility exists that large instances of depression we see around the first of the year come from breaking them. Still, there I stood, cheap champagne in a cheap glass in a kitchen that desperately needs remodeling. The picture of a baldheaded fool pointing in the air and spouting off about losing weight, no more chocolate and Middle Eastern peace. The Gouda saying to the fudge, "Guess I'd better find a place to hide, we both know he can't live without cheese and crackers either." The truth is, they were both in mortal danger.
I think that many New Year's resolutions are based on things we see as undesirable in our lives. Things we wish would go away. So for me this year it was fat, fudge, alcohol and war. I figured if I could somehow put them all in the same resolution it would make me feel better and increase the odds of at least getting one out of four. I suppose I could have said I would no longer hang around fat folks who drink alcohol and eat chocolate, but then I would have had to leave myself.
Well, the vow was broken within 24 hours of course, bringing with it that self-loathing psychologists talk about, as I look in the mirror and realize I am indeed the undesirable with whom I have the problem. There I stand the morning after a fudge-eating, whole milk imbibing binge, staring at a paunch the size of a soccer ball and hoping against all odds that peace had been achieved overnight in the Middle East. The image of abject failure with chocolate streaks adorning the cracks of my mouth, whose only thought now is to go back to square one —back to the scene of that ridiculous vow —where I know what's left of that sorry slab of fudge is still laughing and finish him off. It must be a freezer "nuke job," if you will, leaving only a slick plate of buttered nothingness where once there existed a treasure trove of cackling, abusive fudge.
Brush my teeth? Why waste time doing that? I am a person on a mission, beaten by a mere fudge pie and all the milk it took to wash it down —and I will have my revenge.
By that evening the only thing left to do is watch the never-ending war on television with a drink in one hand and some cheese and crackers in the other. I suppose you're probably thinking I'm quite daft, believing fudge and cheese could be having a conversation in a fridge. I wouldn't have believed it myself had I not heard it straight from the cracker's mouth. After all, no fudge or cheese was left to say a word. Yes!
Sonny Harmon is a professor emeritus at Georgia Military College. Visit his blog at http://sharmon09.blogspot.com.
This story was originally published January 5, 2016 at 8:13 PM with the headline "HARMON: Another new year of broken promises ."