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Old friends staying way too long

I don’t have any New Year salutations except to say I hope everybody has a good one, whatever football team you cheered for won and visits from unwanted guests are few and far between.

Not so with me. I had a couple of “friends” come by about a month ago and they’re still here. And although they don’t eat, the medication I have to take to put up with them is getting expensive and intrusive. Allow me to introduce you to my new, yet old, constant, unwelcome and asexual companions, Si Attitica and Emma Roid. Si is from way back while Emma is from way down under.

They arrived during Thanksgiving (I’m sure it had something to do with lifting a Christmas tree and eating too much dressing) and here it is New Year’s and it feels as though they’ve found a new home.

The truth be known, we have known each other as acquaintances for as long as I can remember and I have no idea where they go when they leave me (hope it’s not your house) but it’s only recently that we’ve become closer than ever as they are both huge attention-getters. We do, in fact, sleep together, but my wife has no clue as to the extent of our relationship. Having them in the bed with us has not been a problem for her unless she’s awakened by moaning, which I’m always able to explain “the morning after.”

I told Si to feel free to live somewhere else permanently, but the move as yet, has not come and so I deal with this unwelcome guest the best way I can — playing Words With Friends and watching scads of film noir in the hope that watching enough murder mysteries will help me figure out a way to get rid of these constant attention seekers. They’re opposed to exercise in any form, save stretching of course, and Emma has been known to protest even that. They remind me that the defense of the fat roll is indeed a virtue and exercise can be a vice.

Si resists activities involving bending over and picking up, while Emma screams at the thought of a good bicycle ride or straining at the weights. Emma reminds me for days, after a long ride, that we must do it again, on a padded seat. In a moment or two of thanksgiving the other day I was celebrating the ability to turn over in bed when Si reminded me that he was still in the pain business and there would be none of that: “Whoa there boy, where you goin?” I felt him say. To which I replied, “Just gonna slide over here a wee bit Si. Don’t get excited.” There’s nothing like a little fire running down the leg to get one’s attention and Si is a certified first degree pyromaniac.

Emma comes and goes much like the seasons. She prefers Charmin but the wife insists on one-ply, due to budget constraints. It’s one of those “which one came first” things, the chicken or the egg and I’ll be darned if I can figure it out. One-ply being the chicken, and …oh you get it. Suffice to say, it’s 2018, the year I turn 71, the decade most people find a way out of here and according to Samuel, one year longer than the “three score and ten” rule. He must have been thinking of my friends when he said, “We live for 70 years, or 80 years if we’re healthy, yet even in the prime years there are troubles and sorrow. They pass by quickly and we fly away.”

Yep, Si and Emma, troubles and sorrow. Hard to believe they’ve been around that long. Still, as 2018 grows from infant to old man, I’d like to see a little more love going around and a little more real tolerance of each other. I’d like to see people behaving better at sporting events. I’d like to hear fewer curse words, especially around women and children. I’d like to see a little more humility from folks, especially those who would be leaders. I’d like to see a morning devotional given in more homes, like the one given by my grandfather. Some good thoughts, thanks and prayers for those in harm’s way. I’d like to see domestic animals treated with love and care. And, above all else, I’d like to see if my wife can keep her hands off the paltry sum I’ve “squirreled away this past year in an effort to leave something behind when I “fly away.” Amen.

Sonny Harmon is a professor emeritus at Georgia Military College. Visit his blog at http://sharmon09.blogspot.com.