The dreaded end of year ‘Christmas letter’

It’s that time of year they go so fast now, when friends feel compelled to send good news in the form of an extended post card or the dreaded Christmas letter. They usually arrive early enough to let you know you should have sent something to them, but it’s too late to do so.

Their letters are sweet full of all the good things in life you’ve been meaning to experience, but haven’t. They remind you that health and money are not all that matters in life, but there’s a good chance your health can’t compare to their health and your portfolio is merely a drop in the ol’ bucket when compared to someone with serious money.

Nobody goes to jail, nobody’s on drugs, everyone’s excelling at something or other — from eight year old soccer leagues to valedictorian. Their pets have all been neutered or spayed, vacations have taken place from Hawaii to Maine, oil was discovered in their back yard and “due to really smart investing,” money has been made at record levels.

Yes, after reading one of those letters I usually find a way to slam my hand in the mailbox at least once. That old Kristofferson song, “Why Me Lord” always comes to mind.

“Why me friend, what have I ever done,

To deserve even one, of these letters you send?

Tell me friend, was it something I did,

Maybe when we were kids, did I somehow offend?

Why me friend, what did I ever do,

To be reminded of you, in those letters you mail?

Tell me friend, why I’m still on your list

Aren’t there others you miss, maybe someone in jail?

Please forgive friend, there’s just no other way

To reclaim this fair day, than be finished with you

Friend your letters are sweet, but they leave me replete

Thinking thoughts of the things I should do

Lord help me dear friend, there’s so little time

And I’m spending all mine, reading you

And now with the fire glowing, surely you see

That this letter must go up the flue.

I suppose, if I could compose a timely letter, one that says it all, it would have to be a poem about what all we did during the last year. Pure and eloquent in its honesty, it might go something like this.

Dear Friend,

Merry Christmas! Happy New Year!

We’re another day older and deeper in debt

Our best cat died and we all wept.

Eggnog’s in and we’re all getting fat

Truth be told, we like it like that.

Another grandson came, a few months ago

A blue eyed redhead, or so I’m told

We don’t get to see him much

His mom’s too busy feeding him “lunch”

Getting harder to sleep, need those pills

Worry about Medicare, paying those bills

Aches and pains in the strangest places

Feels like a hand of 8’s and aces (Dead man’s hand)

My new truck got old, seats worn out

Don’t drive much, got a touch of the gout

Asked the wife, what should I do

She said, “Well honey, it could be the flu.”

The back’s still there, sciatica’s proof

Won’t see me climbing up on the roof

Asked the wife, what she thought about that

“Lose some weight, you’re getting too fat”

Seventeen was an interesting time,

Kicked the beer, got into wine

Wrote this poem, for each of you

If you find it offensive, just use the flue.