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New definition for the word ‘grope’

What an exciting time to be alive! Yes, humans are capable of most wondrous behavior, from miraculous cures to unbelievable athletic and scientific achievement. Today we seem to spend more time helping each other grow spiritually and mentally as we continue to improve as a species.

Our leading journalists and politicians, however, seem to have missed the message. They sometimes parade through the halls of Congress and across the screen with exposure on their minds — and I’m not talking about a spy ring here. We learn new words from these overpaid ninnies. Today’s new word, boys and girls, is “groping.”

Groping is a relatively new word for me — at least used in its present day context. We used to grope around in the dark when the power went out. Nowadays I have to grope around to find something like a pair of shoes buried in the closet. I still grope for the proper words to use when trying to write something that makes sense.

But today’s grope is — I’m groping for the right word here — disgusting. Yep, that’s it — disgusting. In fact today’s grope has given the word a bad name. It means something altogether different than what we used to view its definition.

From what I’ve read and heard the grope has become something of a state-of-the-art maneuver used mostly by old journalists and politicians who heretofore have seen themselves as master gropers immune from being prosecuted by the person being groped.

A master groper, (a groper who has groped more than one person), will no doubt be caught by the person being groped, but what the groped person chooses to do about it is becoming a headache requiring many of the master gropers to grope for an aspirin while they grope for words to make it all better.

Reminds me of “Dr. Strangelove” where Peter Sellers, as Dr. Strangelove, lost control of his hand, which was either involved in trying to strangle him or go into a Nazi salute. The former being what we have here as the ninnies manage to strangle their personal lives and careers in a grope fest.

The audacity and scope of the grope has many wondering who’s next. But that’s enough dope on the grope. Sadly, just when the relationship between men and women couldn’t be more strained, there appears to be a new dating technique around the office whereby the interested male simply exposes himself to whomever happens to be in the area. This is supposed to render the victim helpless. But many have found the courage to expose the exposers.

My grandson does this around the house and we’re all about teaching him that keeping his clothes on around other people is positive behavior that can be rewarded with chocolate milk or a toy. This seems to work for now, and as long as the train keeps running, we should be fine. Who knows, maybe he’ll run for office one day.

Those politicians and journalists who are doing this at work probably didn’t get enough chocolate milk. Or perhaps their rear ends didn’t feel the groping of a belt across their “great divide.” I am aware that times change but “southern exposure” will never take the place of a good conversation and a cup of coffee.

In summation, and to the question of the person who has been groped being believed, one must agree that the number of gropes reported seems to bear witness to the fact that we have a national groping problem. A national news correspondent, who shall remain unnamed and whose ranks are dwindling as I write this, says there are many gropes taking place in all sorts of places and most are credible. In fact the number is so great that other unnamed sources say we need a moratorium on groping before it replaces exposing oneself as a means of communication with the opposite sex in bars and restaurants — not to mention the halls of Congress.

In a rare show of solidarity, Republicans and Democrats have said a law forbidding groping should be passed as soon as a study is completed and several congressmen have had a chance to return home, apologize, and “reflect on their behavior.” One can only hope they stand in front of a mirror when reflecting. If the situation wasn’t so disgusting, it would be humorous.