Hey, what time is it, boys and girls? It is time for Answer Man! The show that gives you the straight skinny to whatever has you bewitched, bothered and bewildered. Answer Man is so confident in his responses that he offers a money-back guarantee. If you are dissatisfied in any way with Answer Man’s replies, just send him your bank account information, your most recent tax return and a copy of your Social Security number. Answer Man will take care of the rest.
Today’s answers have been verified by Barney Funk and Porter Wagnalls. Any rebroadcast, retransmission or rebuttal of today’s column without the expressed written consent of The Yarbrough Worldwide Media and Pest Control Company, located in Greater Garfield, Georgia, is prohibited and is likely to get you sprayed with Piperonyl Butoxide by Junior E. Lee, the firm’s general manager and a pest control professional. Let’s take our first question.
Dear Answer Man: While I was doing my patriotic duty and kneeling Sunday afternoon, someone stole my bling, my bag of weed, my unregistered gun and drove off in my Lamborghini. I guess I need to report this. Any suggestions? — Buster Buckethead
Dear Buster: Whatever you do, don’t call the police. They are not your friend, remember? I would report it to the National Football League Players Association or to some bleeding-heart liberal and see what they suggest. They seem to have all the answers. Besides, the police are probably busy saving some unappreciative jerk’s life as we speak.
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Dear Answer Man: We are tired of a certain columnist picking on us because we want to use state tax dollars for private school scholarships. Our rich constituents feel they shouldn’t have to pay taxes for public schools they don’t use. What do you think? — Determined Intrepid Public Servants.
Dear DIPS: I had never thought of it that way. Please give me time to mull over this novel concept. In the meantime, I am going to try to get my tax dollars back for all the roads in Vermont I don’t use and for any of my taxes that go to fund the Secretary of Education in the Trump Administration. Is this a great country or what?
Dear Answer Man: I hear you have criticized the Trump Administration. You couldn’t get elected a dog catcher in Georgia. I am going to build a wall around Attapulgus and make you pay for it because my IQ is higher than yours. Fake news! You’re fired! — A pee-oh’d POTUS
Dear P.O.: Not to quibble, sir, given that you have the superior IQ, but our dog catchers aren’t elected in Georgia. They are appointed. The dogs don’t seem to care one way or the other. As for the good folks in Attapulgus, if it would keep out carpetbaggers who think we Southerners talk funny and marry our third cousins, they would probably welcome the wall. Sorry I can’t underwrite it, though. Fake news doesn’t pay as much as you might think.
Dear Answer Man: I think you are a Clinton-loving, big government, bed-wetting liberal. What do you say to that? — Angry White Guy
Dear A.W.G.: Dang. You are very observant. I didn’t think it showed.
Dear Answer Man: I think you are a Rush Limbaugh-loving, red-necked male chauvinist pig. What do you say to that? — Angry White Woman
Dear A.W.W.: Dang. You are very observant. I didn’t think it showed.
Dear Answer Man: I understand you are back to driving after an absence of several months. Have you noticed any changes on our roads? — Luther from Luthersville
Dear Luther: Yes, I am back on the highways. And, no, not much has changed. I am pleased to say the Hi-Yo Hitchens Initiative remains in force. As you may recall, that was a groundbreaking piece of legislation sponsored by Rep. Bill Hitchens, R-Rincon, that declares no matter how fast you are going, say warp speed, and someone comes up behind you at, say warp speed times two, you must move over or be cited by the police for something other than going warp speed. Things seem to be working as intended, except when a semi breaks the sound barrier.
Well, boys and girls, that’s all the time we have today. Be sure and tune in same time next week when our topic will be what squirrels and California have in common. Hint: Think nuts. In the meantime, keep those cards and letters coming in.