I tried to stay up on Tuesday night until the results of the presidential election were in, but it was still very much in doubt at midnight so I went to bed. I woke up at 3 a.m. for some reason and checked my laptop to see if Hillary had claimed her widely expected victory. It felt like the world shifted underneath me when I saw the headline in big red letters — “Stunner!” Yes indeed, it was.
I was beyond stunned. I was shocked to the point of disbelief. I had never really taken Trump’s campaign seriously. A rich reality TV show star running as a “man of the people” with a silly catchphrase on a silly hat? As a publicity stunt it was genius, but who could really picture him sitting in the Oval Office?
A lot of people could picture him there as it turns out, and that is right where he’ll be in January, laughing at me and all the rest of the “losers” in the media who didn’t think he had a chance to actually win. He proved all the doubters wrong, but how on Earth did he do it?
How could someone who has done little but insult large groups of people (his political opponents, immigrants, women, Democrats, Republicans — basically anyone who didn’t kiss his backside) and make vague promises about fixing everything that’s wrong with the country convince so many people he should be our president?
I have this image in my head of the country being an airplane and all of us being passengers on this plane. We’ve had a succession of pilots who we don’t feel have done a good job flying the plane and instead of sending another incompetent pilot to man the controls we’ve decided to lock a monkey in the cockpit and see what happens instead. It’s going to be an interesting ride, but it seems to me that our chances of hitting a mountain are going to go up dramatically.
I may have found an answer to the Trump mystery, however. I happened to see the movie “Doctor Strange” this week and something about the story line reminded me of our president-elect.
In the movie, the titular hero learns that ours is not the only universe in existence. He learns that, in fact, there are many universes that have different natural laws than ours. A sorcerer is one who can somehow bridge the gap between different realities and cause things to happen in their universe that are part of reality in some alternate world but seem like magic in his.
I think that’s what has happened here in our presidential election. Donald Trump is actually a powerful sorcerer who is able to do things that seem impossible in our reality. Somewhere there is a universe where it is perfectly normal for people who know and care very little about how their government works to be elevated to the highest office in the land, and somehow Trump has brought some of that reality into our own.
I believe the “Make America Great Again” hats were part of the spell. I hear that once you put one on you immediately felt the urge to punch someone who worked for the mainstream media right in the kisser.
In any case, the man clearly has some powerful magic up his sleeve, so I am expecting him to use it to quickly advance his agenda once he takes office. Hillary will promptly be put in jail, a massive wall will be under construction on our southern border, all those manufacturing jobs lost overseas will somehow return to our land and ISIS will surrender unconditionally once he “knocks the hell out of them.”
America will soon be great again, you just have to believe in the Trump magic. If you’re having trouble believing, try putting on one of his novelty hats; I hear it helps.
Bill Ferguson is a resident of Warner Robins. Readers can write him at firstname.lastname@example.org.