Relationship expert visiting Macon explains why couples fight

Conflict is the price couples pay for a deeper level of intimacy, a relationship expert told a crowd of about 500 at Ingleside Baptist Church on Sunday.

Les Parrott, a professor and clinical psychologist, explained why couples have conflict and how to best handle them during a “Fight Night.” The two-hour event aimed to encourage growth in relationships by providing couples a better understanding of each other.

When people know why they’re fighting, then it can lead to them being able to better resolve an issue.

“If you know how to fight a good fight, then you can use those tools to bring the two of you closer,” Parrott said.

Parrott is typically joined by his wife, Leslie, for the “Fight Night” events, but she was unable to attend due a health issue. Married since 1984, the Parrots are founders of the Center for Relationship Development at Seattle Pacific University and New York Times best-selling authors, having sold more than two million books. They have appeared on CNN, “The Today Show,” “The O’Reilly Factor” and “The View.”

Research performed on 3,800 couples at Baylor University revealed couples fight because of two factors -- perceived threat or perceived neglect, Parrott said.

A perceived threat is when someone tends to be controlling or critical and neglect is when a person feels disengaged.

“So many conflicts happen in a marriage because we have a different perception of reality,” he said.

Men and women usually have different motives behind even a simple conversation, Parrott said.

A man’s top goal is “report talk” where they like to have information without the “fluff.” Women prefer “rapport talk” in which often times the content is less important than making a connection, he said.

Research also shows that men and women brains operate differently, with guys fist attempting to solve problems while women are more likely wanting to explore them, Parrott said.

“When a guy has a problem he wants to cut it in half and slay that thing, and she’s looking for someone to understand how enormous the problem is and give her the energy to face it,” he said. Parrott provided examples in his marriage when there were “dumb fights” like taking a romantic trip where he didn’t notice for several days his wife mentioning buying sweatshirts for their boys. When they went to a shop, she angrily left the store when he complained about how expensive the shirts were.

Eventually, Parrott caught up with his wife, and after three gentle squeezes of her hand got a signal back that she wasn’t upset anymore. Early in their relationship that fight would have led to an icy trip back to their home in Seattle.

“What do you think we were doing five minutes later?” Parrott asked the crowd. “Getting ripped off for sweatshirts. In that moment we turned that thing inside out and never looked back.”

Jim Waters was joined at “Fight Night” with his wife of 33 years, Liz. He joked before the event whether they’d really learn new techniques that would help them become more intimate after a fight.

“We came because we felt we could truly have some fun here,” he said.

To contact writer Stanley Dunlap, call 744-4623.

This story was originally published September 13, 2015 at 10:30 PM with the headline "Relationship expert visiting Macon explains why couples fight ."