Living Columns & Blogs

It’s quicker, but much ickier

Dear Dairy,

Thank you for the ice cream. It’s made summer halfway of one quarter per quart bearable.

Dear Diary,

I’m not saying you ate all the vanilla, but I am writing it.

Dear Dairy,

I’ve suddenly run short of vanilla. Please expedite drone delivery as soon as possible.

Dear Diary,

Give me some ducats to replace the vanilla. ASAP.

Dear Readers,

If you are reading this column from the bottom up, then you already know what I’ve got to say, so goodbye. It’s been nice knowing you. And by you I mean just about every soul that’s ever lived but you.

Now, for you well-behaved teenyboppers, I have a multiple choice question:

Is ASAP an acronym for as soon as possible?

1. No

2. En oh

3. *Raspberry sound*

4. I had seen birth and death but had thought they were different

The answer is No. 3, as in it’s silly to even consider it.

As soon as possible means this:

“Hey, good looking. Pretty please? With sugar on it?”

ASAP means this:


Trust your ears. Say them both aloud.

As soon as possible has a pleasant, gentle sound. It’s the verbal equivalent of a tube ride down a lazy river on the first day of fall.

ASAP sounds like either:

A. You’re a sap.

B. You’ll be beaten about the head with a sap if you don’t comply. Like. Right. Now.

C. The name of Aesop’s younger brother who was always too busy raiding the neighbor’s olive grove to make anything meaningful of his life.

So, O Best Ones, be a righteous brother or sister and always spell it out.

By the way, if you’ve started reading the column from here, get lost bonehead.