I’m not really writing this, am I? | The Telegraph

Is this me? I don’t think so. It couldn’t be me writing this column. I’m on vacation. So how could it be me?

Editor’s note: Stop it. You’re not going to write a column about not writing a column.

Stop don’t go up, prices do. Take my advice and stop up, too.

Editor’s note: That’s not even how that goes.

I ain’t your friend, palooka.

Editor’s note: What?

I think you heard me just fine, punchy.

Editor’s note: If you’re going to throw out nonsensical quotes, at least use ones from books. This is supposed to be a column about reading.

Those are pulp fiction quotes. A well-loved literary genre.

Editor’s note: No, those are “Pulp Fiction” quotes.

Desperado, why don’t you come to your senses?

Editor’s note: That’s not from a book either.

It ‘tis. It ‘tis, indeed. “The Big Book of Eagles Lyrics.”

Editor’s note: That’s not a real book.

You sure? Check out this link: nineplanets.org/uranus.html.

Editor’s note: That’s a link to a website about Uranus.

No, it’s a link to a website about Uranus.

Editor’s note: You’re wasting my time. If you’re not going to write a column I’ll just fill the space with a book review.

I’m not writing a column.

Editor’s note: OK.

Never do. These babies write themselves.