Living Columns & Blogs

The good stuff is rescued from the bad person

This is the mind-boggling conclusion of a two-part column wherein I wear out my editor, who is both on vacation and fair game.

In case you missed the first part, you can find it at the construction site of the pyramid being built to house it.

But for those of you who don’t have time to travel, let me recap the column. But first let me recap my pen. I forgot I had a computer.

In the first part, I righteously called out my editor for not letting me write two-part columns, even though The Telegraph treats The Cool Kid like the baby piece of a Russian nesting doll.

And I promised that this week I’d run some of the great stuff my editor cut out of previous columns. So, here goes:

▪  I stopped reading because I got sleepy. The next day I couldn’t find my place. Turns out it was hiding in the closet under the Stratford annuals Mrs. Cool Kid is so strangely proud of. I’ve often told her that owning 13 school annuals is nothing to be proud of.

▪  Mark Twain, whose real name was Mayor McCheese, wrote Shakespeare’s plays under the pseudonym Mud Pig von Porterhouse.

▪  I got a book, so I gotta book.

▪  Tactical rhetorical questions are different than that. A good example is, “Fuzzy Wuzzy wasn’t fuzzy, was he?”

▪  The word “read” — in the present tense form — comes from papyrus reed, the substance people wrote on before someone figured dead sheep were ever so much the better. The second “e” was replaced by an “a” through the 1462 act of the House of Lords titled, “A Proclamation Concerning the Future Desideratum of Cool the Young Master in Service of Whimsy, Jest and Buffoonery all Such in Need to be Retroactive Hence in Reverse said Year of Our Lord 2016 Notwithholding the Mislaid Frilly Knickers We Seek once Anon.”

▪  Unlike Uranus, it’s easier to see Saturn at night.

▪  Mrs. Cool Kid put her finger on the page and asked, “What does this mean?” I said, “An indication of a person, thing, idea, state, event, time, etc., as present, near, just mentioned or pointed out. ‘That’ is its antonym, although both are sometimes used concurrently — e.g (or possibly i.e.), ‘this and that’ — as in I hope this and that stuff on the end of your finger isn’t the remains of my last banana Moon Pie.”