COUPLING: Rely on love and roll with the changes
For you folks who may be getting a ring for Christmas, research suggests there is a sweet spot, age-wise, for getting married.
On a graph that describes the rate of divorce compared to how old you are when you marry, the line starts high in your teen years. This line predicting your divorce then descends through the 20s to a low point, or best chance for success, at about age 28 and begins to rise again through the 30s.
If you marry too early, problems may be too difficult. If you marry too late, you may be the too-difficult problem!
I was having a conversation with Charlie and Carolyn and she was offering me her advice for a long and happy marriage. "You have to be willing to go through the changes," was her deep wisdom.
Isn't that the truth! After 32 years, I'm no longer married to the same 24-year-old girl; hopefully, she's not married to the same 24-year-old boy. If we haven't grown and matured in both spiritual and emotional ways, then we are a sad parody of a frat house couple.
Erik Erikson, the developmental psychologist, outlined how we psychologically and socially develop through the different stages of our lives. And there is new science that describes how our brains also develop during our life cycle.
As we age, we encounter new challenges that can produce growth. Think of a child learning simple math, then progressing to word problems in middle school and algebra in high school.
The same thing happens in our coupling. As we move along the arc of life, we encounter ages and stages that require personal growth. Miss Carolyn and David Bowie both know we have to face ch-ch-ch-changes.
Unfortunately, we may get fearful or rigid when faced with those changes. We forget why we even got married to begin with. Allow me to remind you: It's not about the kids or the house or her family or mine. It's not about the job or the bills or the boat.
We joined with this wonderful other, this love of our life (remember) because we were mystified, smitten, obsessed and possessed. Love is too simple of a word to describe how we felt.
In the struggle to face the changes that come our way, we need to remember the love -- the truth that was always there -- that holds us together.
The devil on one shoulder may say, "Get out of this." But the angel on the other says, "Hold on."
Sing it with '70s rock band REO Speedwagon, who said, "So if you're tired of the same old story/ Turn some pages/ I'll be here when you are ready/ To roll with the changes."
Speaking of "here when you are ready," Charlie asked, "How do you think it's going to work out for us? We were 17 and 19 when we married."
"And how long have y'all been married?" I asked.
Charlie deadpanned back, "64 years."
Bruce Conn is a licensed marriage and family therapist, and works with individuals and couples. Contact him at Bruce@BruceConn.com or call 478-742-1464.
This story was originally published December 14, 2015 at 7:27 PM with the headline "COUPLING: Rely on love and roll with the changes ."