COUPLING: What if she always expects things to go wrong?

Young folks can have a tough go of it early on. Patterns of relationships get set in their head before they ever really get going. Mama and Daddy's conflicting relationship is what they swear they'll never have while they hold the fantasy of a perfect relationship in their dreams.

Of course, their poor partner doesn't know what hit them.

In those early months or years of the blissful commitment, the shine starts to wear off and the rough reality of coupling begins breaking through. The dream shatters and somebody says, "I knew this would happen" in a flat, resigned tone.

By expecting rejection and problems, we can invite those things to happen. We have an expectation -- although it may even be an unconscious one -- and we wait for it to appear, thereby confirming our experience and perception of reality.

A fellow was telling me that his partner kept waiting on him to fail, like her father seemed to do. "Don't get me wrong, I was young and did a lot of bad stuff," he said.

Now, he is changing his ways and but she continues to predict, expect and highlight every little failure.

"I don't think she has faith in me to change. I'm trying to give her that reassurance," he said.

What can you do when your partner already has decided how you are going to act, how you will fail in meeting their needs?

First, it will take time. Neuroscience teaches us that we develop associated memories that have a lot of inertia. We've learned something a certain way and it takes a long time to change it.

If someone forced you to use the fork with the other hand, it would be awkward and you would rebel, but you would figure it out eventually. Just keep working to reassure your spouse.

A second task requires maturity. We have to get away from the childish need for instant gratification.

He said, "I used to be all about me and what I wanted. Now I see a need to wait for the better thing." And then, "I'm beginning to realize who I am and accept responsibility for what I've done, and see the changes I want to make."

We live on automatic pilot most of the time. But if we can become aware -- truly know what we are doing -- then we can make healthy choices and grow. Automatic pilot is like cruise control, no adaptability. Our tendency is to push our will on the other, no ability to delay gratification. Mature folks, grown ups, know to do what needs to be done to get what you want.

Autopilot is primitive and not very evolved. You want to get more out of a relationship but you're frustrated. These unwanted yet expected results in your relationship may be evidence that you are running on automatic. We haven't taken into consideration the long-term consequences. But if we can look at what we are doing and what we are getting, we might see a possibility for change.

Bruce Conn, a licensed marriage and family therapist, works with individuals and couples. Contact him at Bruce@BruceConn.com or call 478-742-1464.

This story was originally published November 30, 2015 at 9:10 PM with the headline "COUPLING: What if she always expects things to go wrong? ."