COUPLING: Building up your love bank account

If we are honest about coupling, we'll admit that there is a level of bartering that goes on; good old give and take, or, you scratch my back, I'll scratch yours.

In the accounting of keeping everybody happy, I hope you have some money in your love bank account.

We build up this bank account in myriad ways. Compliments, small chores, surprises, gifts and sacrifices all become ways to contribute to the love bank that resides in your partner's heart. You know what it feels like inside of you. Your love bank is the warm feeling of all those things that your partner does for you that makes you feel special and appreciated.

Deposits are easy to make but withdrawals are extremely expensive. Suffice it to say, a comment like "you are pretty" does not equal "you are ugly."

Marriage therapy researchers John Gottman and Willard Harley separately write about this concept and suggest that we need about a 20:1 ratio of deposits to withdrawals to keep everybody happy and loving.

We never intend to make an unflattering comment or miss a birthday. But on the odd occasion this happens, we need to have some capital in the bank to get us out of a lean time. Our primary goal, or what we are consciously trying to do, is serving and honoring our partner.

There is an interesting twist to this love bank idea. It influences how we hear what our partner says. I won't chase down the rabbit of how perception influences opinion. You understand that.

This perception problem shows up when the love bank is low in funds. When I say, "I'm sorry," these words can sound like a thin excuse on deaf ears. If things are good and the love bank is flush, when I say, "I'm sorry," the moment is easily passed.

Distressed couples have a more difficult time digging out of this hole. They are trying to write checks on an empty account -- not only do they bounce, the fees are adding up, too. If you make a big mistake and totally deplete your love bank account that resides in your partner's heart, then you have a lot of work to do.

You will need to start with sincere and diligent effort. Every kindness and thoughtful moment will help. Take every opportunity to add to your account. But remember, these efforts will not be appreciated or noticed -- at least not at first. This will not be easy, just keep working and your baby steps will add up. Don't look for results, just keep posting deposits.

So, I would suggest simple and direct effort. Be intentional, do the work to build up that love bank with as many and varied ways as you can. Think of it as a diversified account -- say nice things, do nice things.

Luxurious loving will be the norm for your coupling. Lifestyles of the rich and famous will have nothing on you when it comes to fun, freedom and full tilt loving!

Bruce Conn is a licensed marriage and family therapist, and works with individuals and couples. Contact him at Bruce@BruceConn.com or call 478-742-1464.

This story was originally published November 16, 2015 at 8:54 PM with the headline "COUPLING: Building up your love bank account ."