COUPLING: Finding harmony in balancing opposite personalities

Are you the bossy one, or the sneaky one? When it comes to setting the agenda for the household, are you pushing or pulling?

Usually one person is frustrated while the other is dragging their feet.

Another way to consider this problem in coupling is to compare how one may pay close attention to every detail while the other is oblivious. Does this sound familiar? I've observed this in many couples as folks attempt to wrestle with the tensions in their relationships.

The challenge is in paying attention -- not too much and not too little. Couples struggle with this balance of ignoring the little things and focusing on what's important, but who decides what constitutes the little things?

Do I need to ignore her mood? Will she ignore my grumpiness and stupidity? We certainly need to forgive the little faults and idiosyncrasies. And it is probably OK to ask the other to stop an annoying habit -- like leaving dishes on the counter or loudly crunching Doritos.

This all begs the question of good enough. How can we name the problem of too much perfection or too much slackness? How do you balance too much messiness with surgical cleanliness?

"More" seems to be the curse of mankind. This relentless demand of the ego has us clamoring for unreasonable satisfaction. Whether it's our sloth, greed, pride or envy, the more someone threatens where we think we are right, the more we will defend our position.

I can always defend my laziness or greed. Just try to tell me to do it your way and I'll probably tell you why my way is right. "Hurry up!" versus, What's the hurry?" "Don't buy that!" versus, "You only live once." "Don't do that!" versus, "Why not?"

Romantic love is confusing. That other person is so attractive precisely because they are so different and interesting. Then they go a little too far with their interesting difference and we say "whoa!"

Union is our goal but difference is our experience. How can we integrate the two? I could stop there. This is the mystery and the task.

I spent some time recently listening to Craig McMahon, dean of the chapel at Mercer University talk about the stories in Genesis 1 through 11. Seems those early folks always wanted a little more: Plenty of fruit available but I want some off of that tree, and then there's Cain's thought that his offering was better than Abel's, and the folks who wanted to build the tower higher.

Humility is the lesson if we will accept that we will not always get what we want. We will learn contentment if we can detach from or at least contain our desires. And the experience of grace is bestowed as we patiently accept the difficulties that come to us.

All of this is available in our coupling as we learn to tolerate the tension of our "opposite." We will find contentment, grace, and, yes, even some humility.

Bruce Conn is a licensed marriage and family therapist, and works with individuals and couples. Contact him at Bruce@BruceConn.com or call 478-742-1464.

This story was originally published November 2, 2015 at 6:12 PM with the headline "COUPLING: Finding harmony in balancing opposite personalities ."