COUPLING: Don't scratch that itch

Recently I went for a walk in the woods with my brother. As we scouted the land for possibilities, I found something I didn't mean to find: seed ticks -- at least that's what I call them. These are tiny ticks that look like pepper sprinkled on you until you notice them moving.

Aargh! I hate 'em. Without too much detail, they bite and leave an exaggerated mosquito-like welt. What I've learned is that you can't scratch these places. Scratching only makes the irritation worse.

This raises a lesson for coupling: Don't scratch that itch. Lots of thoughts come to our mind that we do not need to entertain. You might want to say a particular thing, but you maybe you shouldn't. Don't scratch that itch. It might make an already sore place worse.

You might have an itch to scratch on somebody -- don't do it.

You might have something itching and you want somebody else to scratch it -- that's no good either.

This is one of those questions I want answered when I get on the other side of the Pearly Gates. What the heck is the deal with mosquitoes and ticks? I mean really! What a nuisance!

And by extension, what is the deal with these crazy ideas we have for self-satisfaction? We get all itchy and selfish. We get a want that distracts and possesses our mind. It seems that our only option is to scratch that itch, but if we do, it only encourages the itching.

The immediate gratification is soothing and reinforcing. We want more.

But if you are scratching a sore spot, the sore will only get worse. We need to leave the sores alone and let them heal. Or find someone to help.

I did go to the clinic for my multiple itchy places. When I raised my shirt, the nurse practitioner looked at my back and said, "Oh my goodness!" She really did. But steroids, antibiotics and cream did the trick, as long as I didn't aggravate the sites with scratching.

We are adults and know how to behave in civil society. It's funny how we can be so judgmental of others behavior and ignore or rationalize our own behavior. We don't notice our own scratching, but you'll notice somebody else's.

Freud called it the Id. This is the part of our psychological structure that wants what it wants, when it wants it. The Id isn't bad, but it does need the Ego and Superego to help us attend to higher order functioning in society.

The Id says "scratch," and the Superego says "not now." Baseball players should know this. In coupling, we need to make sure we are scratching the right itchy places and leave the sore ones alone!

Bruce Conn is a licensed marriage and family therapist, and works with individuals and couples. Contact him at Bruce@BruceConn.com or call 478-742-1464.

This story was originally published October 19, 2015 at 10:05 PM with the headline "COUPLING: Don't scratch that itch ."