COUPLING: In its simplest form, coupling is all about the love
I want to say as clearly as I can what I believe about coupling.
To jump all the way to the conclusion, it is my belief that the commitment of two people to each other -- to devote themselves to the other -- is the way of growth for our species. This would encompass an evolutionary model or a spiritual model, take your pick.
Romantic love is tricky, even a fickle business. But it is so powerful that it can’t be ignored. Miraculously, we fall in love. We get “twitterpated,” according to the bunny in “Bambi.” Love draws us together from some mysterious primal force within. We can’t live without the other; they occupy our thoughts; they tug at our heartstrings.
What’s going on? We don’t know why, but we have to follow and honor this knowing, this new sense of truth about the world now that we’ve met this special someone.
And so we commit. We figure out how to get closer by spending time together, living together, even getting married. Are we seeking unmet attachment issues from our infancy? Are we responding to a primal biological need? Did God lead us to him/her to fulfill a destiny or divine will? Maybe it was all just pheromones!
Whatever the cause, we try to shape a life with this special person. We know we feel good and want more of it. But getting more of that good feeling requires some work. We can’t live in the fantasy world of puppy love and romantic infatuation forever. Life will bring challenges and conflict, suffering and dissatisfaction.
For me, this is where the water hits the wheel. To continue to stay in a relationship, to get the goodies we want, we have to learn to be better humans. We will learn to defer our own needs to care for the one we love.
Primitive impulses, fear based decisions and our controlling ego will either sabotage the relationship or be identified as the imposters they are and be driven out.
It’s tricky business to get as specific as gender issues when talking about each side of the equation of a committed dyad -- that’s fancy language for two people. We can talk about masculine traits or feminine traits, what men or women should do. But often times these tasks are blurred, and the goal is that some one takes care of nurturing, organizing, planning and accomplishing the work of a home and maybe a family.
With these differences, tension develops. This tension forces compromise, reflection and growth.
Ultimately, a spiritual journey arises. Our selfish and unconscious self must be abandoned as we seek to devote ourselves to the love and service of our mate.
Now, I know, this is deep stuff, and it may even put a lot of pressure on the relationship. But in truest and simplest form, our coupling makes us better individuals who are self aware and other aware. From that strength, we can better care for ourselves, each other and the larger community around us.
Too much? Simply said, the answer is love -- primitive and divine -- simply, love!
Bruce Conn is a licensed marriage and family therapist, and works with individuals and couples. Contact him at Bruce@BruceConn.com or call 478-742-1464.
This story was originally published September 7, 2015 at 8:38 PM with the headline "COUPLING: In its simplest form, coupling is all about the love ."