Opinion Columns & Blogs

Three epiphanies

I’ve been eating my way through life for 65 years and, although I’m neither a dietitian, nor a nutritionist, I feel like an expert in the area of sustenance. I’m an expert, not only because I drink a lot of milk, but I know several people who eat a lot. That qualifies me to offer opinions about eating.

I also frequent Uncle Bubba’s down in Savannah, considered to be a place where eating experts often dine. A few weeks ago, while on a trip, I was given what can only be described as a bona fide, guaranteed, get your money back, as God is my witness (in the manner of the evangelical lightning bolt from heaven with no disrespect intended) way to lose weight.

Folks, this method works. As it happens, I was incapacitated and close to being on my knees when the revelation hit me. It was diarrhea, but that’s not all. No, not by a long shot.

This epiphany hit me once I discovered that if little went in it seemed to make a huge difference when it came out. It then became a necessity to control what went in for the next few days and becoming an empty vessel. I began to choose very carefully those things that would wreak havoc when they exited the building -- spices, peppers and other things I cannot mention without suffering a degree of mental stress.

Suffice to say, I should have been avoiding these foods all along. Any normal thinking individual would avoid all those things requiring cheese, salsa and chips.

After a few days I could feel myself shrinking as my belt began to find its way back into a reasonable notch and the revelation that the consummation of food was responsible for me not being able to fit in various pairs of pants.

I hate to use the word “revelation” here, but in this day and age when everything but what one consumes seems to be blamed for weight gain, what else can one say? Oh, trust me, bloating, stress and other excuses have been used in the past for my lack of ability to fit in a pair of pants, but when this exodus of food entered my life I was confronted with and succumbed to the idea that what went in stayed in and what went out stayed out if I didn’t put it in again.

It sounds so elementary, but I can only testify to what worked for me. When I arrived home I was greeted by a twin blessing, the second and third (diarrhea being the first) of what I call the epiphanies of the weight loss diet.

Stopping at a local mall I passed by the food court and witnessed a carnage surpassed only by the Romans as Chinese, Vietnamese, Viennese, and the dreaded Mayonnaise were being consumed by bloated obese patrons at most of the food outlets.

I vowed never to eat out again (the second epiphany) and left quickly for home, where to my horror, I found three dogs and a wife watching the food channel. I watched as various pot-bellied chefs fed all manner of meat through their grinders, dumped buckets of ingredients known only to them onto the meat and strutted about as though they had created something worthy of the Smithsonian.

The dogs were drooling and the expression on my wife’s face was pure ecstasy. This served to bring about the third epiphany: Watch the food channel with your loved ones as often as possible. If the sight of dogs drooling over ground round coming out of a meat grinder doesn’t do it for you, buy larger clothes. You’re gonna’ need ’em.

Sonny Harmon is an educator at Georgia Military College. Visit his blog at http://sharmon09.blogspot.com.