Opinion Columns & Blogs

Please, Martha, no chenille lid covers

wmarshall@macon.com

Admittedly, last week’s article was a little gloomy and morbid. I don’t think that’s me, ordinarily, and so I was thinking about something a little lighter (and hopefully funny) to give you this week. This resulted in my mind going back to March 2005 when I wrote the below article. Bear in mind that’s over 11 years ago. Nonetheless, the problem I wrote about then is even a bigger problem, today. Here it is:

I wouldn’t put it in the same category as the Social Security/private investments debate nor the budget deficit nor the trade deficit, but it is still a problem. A problem that seems peculiar to men (at least as to how it affects them) as opposed to women. In fact, women seem to relish the situation and, if I can be candid, in almost all of the cases of which I am aware, are the cause of men’s perplexment and bewilderment.

Now some of you men may think that your frustrations with this “problem” are unique to you. Think again. The next time you are in a group of men, raise the issue and you will be astounded at the universality of your male companions’ first hand experiences (and frustrations). And if there are more than six in the group, at least one or two can and will truthfully “top” anything you can tell.

What I am talking about is women’s obsession with piling pillows on beds. Let me use my personal situation (and bed) as an example. Before I go further, let me say that seldom does anyone other than my wife or I go into our bedroom. Nonetheless, as the bed is made each day (and, admittedly, almost at all times by Janice), she piles eight pillows on the bed, which I remove each night, throwing them strategically around the room.

Now let me admit that I get up more in the night than I used to. And, yes, I am fearful one of her pillows will trip me, or I will trip over it. But the main problem is that I just don’t understand it. What’s the sense of it all?

Recently, I consulted one of my friends about this “pillow business.” I got no sympathy. He said there were 12 pillows on their bed. Round ones, square ones, oblong ones, etc. I could tell that his frustrations greatly exceeded my own, so I tried to change the subject. And with some success — though not with satisfaction. While recognizing the “pillow obsession problem” and its seemingly endless fashion duration, he told me of an even more concerning matter with which he is coping.

Like me, my friend gets up more in the night than he did when younger. Well, it seems that “Miss Martha Stewart” has placed a chenille cover on their toilet lid. The problem is that the lid won’t stay up without being held up. You can see the problem. He has to walk through a minefield of 12 pillows and if he makes it, he has a balancing task while in a semi-awake or semi-asleep state. He says “it’s a real problem.” I believe him.

I thought it would die out. Like leisure suits and duck-tail haircuts. But it has lasted for quite a while. And, the number of pillows is never reduced. Just additions. I guess I will just have to live with it and hope I don’t get smothered or trip in the night. And thank goodness we don’t have a chenille lid cover. I hope that doesn’t get to be a big fashion thing. Otherwise, I guess we would have to get one for me to balance and both of us to look at.

‘Lest you think otherwise, the contents of this article are essentially true. Names have been omitted to protect existing relationships.

And, so it was with the pillows in 2005 and it doesn’t appear to have changed much since. And, truthfully, I’ve about learned to live with it, although I really don’t understand it. But, Janice probably doesn’t understand all those rods, reels, plastic worms and lizards that I have! And what about my shotguns?

Larry Walker is a practicing attorney in Perry. He served 32 years in the Georgia General Assembly and presently serves on the University System of Georgia Board of Regents. Email: lwalker@whgmlaw.com.

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