Here at the Cop Shop we run across our share of bizarre happenings and colorful locals. Their alleged exploits are culled from police reports. This week we revisit 2014’s top-five oddball episodes, ranked in order from wacky to wackiest:
5. There was a pile of dog crap outside Room 323. When someone at the Riverside Drive Days Inn reported the droppings, a maid was sent to have a look. Sure enough, according to a June 29 Bibb County sheriff’s report, a dog had “pooped” in a walkway near the room’s door. The maid told the man in the room about the mess and informed him that he was not supposed to have a dog there. (Seems he hadn’t paid the pet fee.) The man, 29, then “ran up on (the maid) and bumped her in the chest,” a report noted. Then he cussed her and balled up his fist “as if he were going to hit her.” The maid ran and called 911. When a deputy went to the room, the man claimed he and the maid had “a verbal confrontation.” Another deputy tried to take the man into custody but the man bolted. He was caught in some woods nearby, charged with disorderly conduct and obstruction. His dog, a brown pit bull, was picked up by animal control. As for the scooping of the pooch’s poo pile, the maid told the Cop Shop, “I think a maintenance guy ended up doing it. It was huge.”
4. It is usually not wise to speak ill of a woman’s footwear. But when a 20-year-old Macon woman wore her high heels to visit a friend’s apartment on Bloomfield Road July 2, another woman, 22, apparently couldn’t resist disparaging the shoes. The 22-year-old told the younger woman that her heels were ugly. According to a Bibb sheriff’s report, the older woman took the remark one step further. She told the 20-year-old that her shoes were “something a hooker would wear.” The 20-year-old thought the woman was joking and retorted, “You’re ugly.” That’s when the older woman grabbed her. Four other women jumped in and hit the heel wearer, the report said. The 22-year-old then smacked the 20-year-old in the head with a glass vase, a blow that sent her to a local hospital.
3. Her two grandsons were being disrespectful so she called the law. The grandmother, 60, who lives on Second Avenue in Macon, told a Bibb sheriff’s deputy that the boys refused to get out of bed and do their chores. Then, according to the deputy’s Sept. 21 write-up, they started “calling her a ‘crackhead b----.’” The grandmother said she went into one boy’s room “in an attempt to kick the mattress” he was lying on “to get him up,” but “while doing so she accidentally kicked him in the face.” When the deputy tried to get a handle on the situation, one of the grandsons, 18, mouthed off to the cop, “B----, I will beat your a--,’” the report noted. The 18-year-old dashed out of the house and darted into traffic on Hardeman Avenue. Another deputy collared him half an hour later and took him to jail on charges that included disorderly conduct.
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2. A stylist at a hair salon on Zebulon Road said a woman there was irate, unhappy with her young son’s haircut. According to an Oct. 16 Bibb sheriff’s report, the customer was “yelling and swearing and refused to leave.” But the upset woman was gone when a deputy arrived. Reached later, the woman told the Cop Shop that her son’s hair was “butchered. ... And I never cussed.” She said the authorities hadn’t contacted her, and that before the haircut she had specifically explained how she wanted her 11-year-old son’s hair done, warning of the boy’s “major cowlick.” The mother said, “I’m like, ‘He has a cowlick here, you have to leave his hair long on top.’ ... This (stylist) just did whatever she wanted with his hair. She just took ... it ... off.” The mother said she confronted the stylist, who replied, “Look, I’ve been cutting hair for 20 years,” to which the mother said, “If you’ve been cutting hair for 20 years, you need a refresher course.” The mother said a manager tried to appease her, saying the hair would grow back, that they’d give him three free haircuts. The mother said that wasn’t the point. “I said, ‘He’s 11 years old. Do you not think he’s not gonna get made fun of at school?’ And he did. When he went to school the next day, he had a very rough day.” The mother was further peeved when a stylist phoned the police and said, “There’s a purple-haired lady in here and she’s screaming and harassing me.” No, the mother said later, she wasn’t doing any of that and, no, her hair was not purple. “It’s like that cherry-wine color,” the mother said, “burgundy-like.”
1. In June, it turned out that national reports of a Macon man shooting himself in the ding-a-ling didn’t ring true. The man, in an exclusive interview with the Cop Shop, said widespread Internet pokes and a TV-show comedy bit, which made public the demise of his most private part, were mistaken. A Bibb sheriff’s report of a June 12 “self-inflicted gunshot” outside a Zebulon Road gas mart said that a man in a parked Ford Explorer had “shot himself in the penis while holstering” his .45-caliber pistol. The report added that the man, 23, then drove to a friend’s house, where “when he took off his pants he saw that he had shot himself in the penis and that the bullet exited out his buttocks. The spent round fell out of his pants and onto the floor.” Everything about the bullet’s path is accurate, the man said, except for its point of entry. “I didn’t shoot myself in the penis. I shot myself in the PELVIS,” he told the Cop Shop. “It didn’t hit my penis. ... My penis wouldn’t even be there anymore if it got hit with a .45, you know what I’m saying?” He said the gun somehow fired when he went to stick it in a holster while it was pointed at his groin. The bullet, he said, went in about 2 centimeters from the base of his penis, and that he was fortunate because if it had entered a little to the left it would have hit his femoral artery. “And if it went a little bit right it would’ve hit my urethra,” he said. “And THEN it would’ve been hella bad. It would’ve messed some stuff up down there. ... That would’ve sucked. It still sucks, but I’m healing pretty fast. The exit wound’s already healed up. I don’t even feel that anymore. ... I was a lucky son of (gun).”
Note to midstate law enforcement agencies: Email reports of humorous or unusual crimes and situations your officers encounter to firstname.lastname@example.org.