When an Eatonton man visited his probation officer Friday for a mandatory drug test, hidden in his pants was a contraption that soon landed him in the Putnam County penal system. A $150 device called the Whizzinator, used to beat drug screenings with a secreted-away pouch of clean urine, apparently failed him. The device comes equipped with a short rubber tube attached to a fake penis designed to fool even the most fastidious screeners. The problem was, on Friday, the man sporting the package put a liquid in it -- possibly lemon-lime Gatorade -- that was not urine, said Putnam Sheriff Howard Sills. The man, 32, on probation for drug and firearms convictions, “boldly gamboled into the probation office fully prepared to leave a pristine specimen with his probation officer,” Sills wrote in an email to the Cop Shop. “What happened next is a mystery, because (the man) still tested bad, and that resulted in his immediate arrest.” Sills noted that when the fellow was booked at the county jail, “much to my jailers’ surprise, the young man had an extra phallus upon his person.” Sills described the apparatus as “a hoodlum accoutrement, ... the ultimate appliance for the hoodlum that just can’t abstain from ingesting illicit drugs long enough to have his urine tested.” The sheriff added: “Upon being questioned regarding his appliance, (the man) lamented that he had paid $150 for the device.”
On April 12, someone at the Family Dollar on Macon’s Pio Nono Avenue reported that a thief had made off with two cans of Lysol. The thief, a man wearing jeans and an orange shirt, was seen headed toward Anthony Road. A Bibb County sheriff’s deputy cruised by and spotted a guy matching the thief’s description. He was also carrying two cans of Lysol. The guy, 53, said he had been at Family Dollar, but when asked where he got the Lysol, he shrugged his shoulders. He was handcuffed and taken to the store, where a manager ID’d him as the thief. The suspect lives on nearby Pansy Avenue in the Unionville neighborhood, and he was wanted for a parole violation. The deputy’s write-up noted that the guy has been arrested 55 times -- 30 of them for shoplifting. At the county jail after being charged with felony shoplifting, the man, dejected over being caught, blamed his smelly pit bulls and plain old foul luck. “(Expletive), man,” he said. “Damn dogs. Getting damn Lysol for the room where I got puppies. ... I knew it was a sign when I saw (a jailer) three (expletive) times this weekend. Damn!” The man, the report went on, offered to snitch on some drug dealers. When the deputy asked what he knew, the suspect said, “Man, they be selling drugs over where you picked me up.” The deputy replied, “Everyone knows that. Someone from Mars and Pluto could tell you that.”
Dispatches: A woman who lives north of the Macon Mall on Edna Place Road argued with her 20-year-old son on April 11. She was refusing to let the son and his girlfriend live in her apartment because the son was “disrespecting her,” a Bibb sheriff’s report said. The son told a deputy he was “tired of living in the rain and in a car.” He and his girlfriend were banned from the property. ... Sometime in mid-April, someone knocked over and busted a concrete panther statue outside the Lawrence Mayer flower shop on Mulberry Street. The panther, according to a sheriff’s report, was broken beyond repair. ... About 12:15 a.m. on April 19, a Bibb deputy was parked outside a cafe in the 3700 block of Mercer University Drive. He saw a man and woman who appeared to be fighting. The deputy broke it up, but the two said they weren’t fighting. According to an incident report, the woman said “she liked being choked sexually. The male stated ... they were into S&M.”
Note to midstate law enforcement agencies: Email reports of humorous or unusual crimes and situations to email@example.com.