You’ve probably noticed the trash can — but I can’t. It has more skills, I suppose.
That concludes today’s proceedings, O Best Ones. I hope you liked it. I hope it matches your shoes.
It was short and to the pointless — as per my habit. A little fun with the language (a verb that appeared to be noun) and then, boom, I’m out of here.
I had to keep this week’s column short because, as you know, O Best Ones, I missed last week’s column. The Cool Kid was quite ill.
Usually, that wouldn’t matter because I tend to have several columns written at any one time, but because I’d been working on a special project at The Telegraph, I fell behind.
So to make it up to you, I’m writing two this week.
But I’m not getting any extra room for my double bubble. When it comes to allotting space in The Telegraph, it’s not fair and square — it’s unjust and rhombus.
If the Living editor held me in the same high regard she holds Bruce Conn, I could write long enough to get some z’s and x’s in. And perhaps even — to show my swerve — a q without a u.
Of course, if I didn’t use so much space writing about how little space I’m given, I’d have more space for the column in its actuality.
But I’ve built my journalism career on rationalizations and grievances, and I’m not about to stop now.
Actually, I am. Because I’m out of space.
Whoa. I see I got a little more space than I thought.
So let me review, because this got a bit confusing. What was supposed to be this week’s second column will instead be next week’s column. It’s a breath taker. After nearly 30 years, I now have a new favorite novel.
The second column proper for today is that thing about how they rook me on space. (In the news business we call that an “evergreen.”) That was the makeup column.
This week’s prime column was the garden path sentence about the trash can, wherein I used grammar to fool you. All in a good cause — if, like me, you consider the best cause to be just because.
Are we all on the same page now? Check the top. Is there a big crossword puzzle there? Good. That’s the page I’m on, too.