The Cool Kid's Guide to Reading: Taking it slow — very slow

‘Are you going to read?” Mrs. Cool Kid asks.

She’s all up in my bidness, as usual.

“Yuh huh,” I say.

“Night, night,” she says, funning The Cool Kid.

I’ve been working a lot of long hours and it’s keeping me from my books. While I normally read about two hours at night, lately I’ve been so tired that I’m lucky to read two pages before night-nighting.

I tried to recall the last time I read so little.

Probably when I was 3 years old. During my stint as a drummer boy for that secret NASA infantry regiment.

Although I read a dozen or more books at a time, I’ve been concentrating on one in particular: “Wise Man’s Fear” by Patrick Rothfuss.

And it’s 1,120 pages long.

If I keep working this hard and reading only two pages a night and I read that book four nights a week, I will never finish it because those figures all multiply and divide out to an irregular number.

So I’ll round it up. When I do, I discover that it will take more than two and a half years to finish “Wise Man’s Fear.”

Longer if I keep doing word problems.

But that’s not even close to The Cool Kid’s record.

It took me eight years to read “Finnegan’s Wake.” In case you’re wondering, the plot has something to do with words -- near as I could figure.

If James Joyce ever runs into me, he’s gonna wish he’d found Jesus instead.

Because I will be all up in his bidness.

To contact writer Randy Waters, call 744-4240 or email