The Cool Kid's Guide to Reading: I’m the overlord of the new order

I don’t care much for the alphabet. The letters are OK. Most of them.

It’s the order I don’t like. So I’m changing it.

It should start with the coolest letter.

And that, natch, would be X.

And since there’s no reason to spread out all the vowels, I’ll place them together near the front in order of how cool they sound.


By the way, do you know what makes a vowel a vowel and a consonant a consonant? Vowel sounds flow unimpeded from the vocal tract. Consonants have to be physically modulated. The tongue on the roof of the mouth for a T. Teeth on lips for F. Constricted throat for L.

Back to it.

After U, what’s more natural than W? And after W, its visual partner M.

There are other visual pairs in the alphabet. I’ll group them and add them to the string.


Since I’m about as halfway as you can get in an even number sequence, it’s time for H, which looks like a divider, does it not?

And just so I don’t forget, I’m going to jump to the end and dump the nerd letters there in ascending order of nerdiness.


The remainders fill the gap.


And that’s our better-arranged alphabet.

Except that we can no longer call it the alphabet. We could use the Greek words for X and I and call it the chiomicron. But that don’t swing. Anyway, the glory of Greece died in the stone quarries of Syracuse.

We’ll call it the xicool.

It’s pronounced ZIE-kul. Is that cool? Yes, and -- in this case -- indeed.

So here’s our xicool in xicoolic order:


We’ll set it to music to help the brats and the bozos remember.

“The Alphabet Song” uses the melody of “Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.”

“The Xicool Song” will use the melody of “Me and Mrs. Jones.”

To contact writer Randy Waters, call 744-4240 or email