I thought I’d answer some questions no one asked so that you, O Best Ones, could get to know the Cool Kid better.
Q: If a dialogic you were reading used analepsis in a heighten ekphrasis pattern, would you reason intertextuality?
A: What’s that bold “A” all about? Does it stand for what I think it does? It better not.
Q: Uhmm, OK. Next question then. What makes you so cool?
A: I’m gonna assume that “A” stands for “Answer.”
Q: Let’s say it does. But can you tell us what makes you so cool?
A: While others rock, I roll. While others hip, I hop. While others country, I music.
Q: What one book would you want to have on a deserted island?
A: Depends on the type of island. If it’s one of those tropical ones full of coconuts and pigs, I’d take “Finnegan’s Wake” by James Joyce. I’ve been told the letters randomly scramble themselves each time you read it. If it’s a barren out-cropping of an island, I’d take Stephen King’s short-story collection “Skeleton Crew.” It includes a tale called “Survivor Type” that has some good advice of being stranded without food. Basically, you save your fingers for dessert.
Q: Which literary character do you resemble most?
A: Alex in “Everything is Illuminated.”
Q: How so?
A: Read the book, bumblebee.
Q: Which historical person would you like to trade places with?
A: So I could taunt my neighbors about their impending doom.
Q: Other than your beloved and waggish column, what are you best known for?
A: The time I stood beside Pablo Picasso’s “Guernica” for 30 minutes holding a paint roller and singing “Over the Rainbow.”
Q: What’s No. 1 on your bucket list?
A: A bucket, I guess. But why would I have a list of buckets? Have you been drinking?
Q: Let me rephrase. What’s the thing you most want to do before you die?
A: Become immortal.
To contact writer Randy Waters, call 744-4240 or email email@example.com.