Well, boys and girls, I see by the old clock on the wall that it is June already. We know what that means. It is time for Answer Man to dig into the Question Box and see what is on your hearts and minds and assorted body parts. Just remember that Answer Man doesn’t have to be doing this stuff. He does it because he cares about you and if he wasn’t doing it, he would have to take out the trash. Answer Man hates taking out the trash. So let’s get to our first question.
Dear Answer Man: What do you think of State Rep. Bill Hitchens, R-Rincon, pushing a bill in next year’s Legislature to ticket drivers in Georgia for going too slow?
-- Grandma from Grayson
Answer Man: Good idea, but no longer necessary. Just the threat of legislation seems to have done wonders. Answer Man has been on the road a lot recently. Drivers obviously have gotten the message and have put pedal to the metal. The slowest car I saw was clocked doing 108 mph and that was at an Arby’s drive-through in Dublin.
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Dear Answer Man: I am a white, God-fearing, gun-toting, pro-life guy and I love Rush Limbaugh. I think you are a left-wing liberal. Do you deny that?
-- Bubba from Ball Ground
Answer Man: You are correct, clodhopper. I will try to be more careful in the future about letting my bias show.
Dear Answer Man: I am a black transvestite pro-abortion atheist in this country illegally. I hate guns and love Barack Obama. I think you are a right-wing extremist. Do you deny that?
-- Manolo from Mexico
Answer Man: You are correct, amigo. I will try to be more careful in the future about letting my bias show.
Dear Answer Man: I was curious if you got much response to your column about atheists last week.
-- B. Zebulb from Helena
Answer Man: Yes, I did. I offended those who think women shouldn’t be preachers; those who think God didn’t do what I said he did and one guy that likes Cranford, N.J. but doesn’t care much for me. It was a good week.
Dear Answer Man: Surely, you don’t believe legislators can be influenced to vote a certain way simply because a lizard-loafered lobbyist takes them to a ballgame, buys them drinks and dinner and falls over laughing at their lame jokes? (We, the undersigned, hope you can read this. It was written on the back of a napkin in the bar before we headed for a private box at the Braves game.)
-- A group of sanctimonious senators and righteous representatives working hard for the people of Georgia.
Answer Man: Bless your collective hearts. Of course, I don’t believe that. I’ve been messing with your heads. Now, whether or not my readers buy this baloney is another matter. Here’s a thought: Why don’t you invite them to come with you on one of your upcoming soirees? I’m sure the lizard-loafered lobbyists and their unlimited expense accounts wouldn’t mind and voters could see how hard you are working. I’ll be glad to set it up for you as a public service. (Don’t thank me. I just have a good heart.)
Dear Answer Man: I am a public official in Washington who wishes to remain anonymous. My question is this: Can you tell me how I can get people to better trust their government and to understand that we are here to help them? I hope you will respond to my question promptly. Otherwise, I will get the Department of Justice to seize your phone records, the Internal Revenue Service to audit your tax returns and have your house stormed by terrorists and blame it on Donald Duck.
-- B.O. in D.C.
Answer Man: Dear B.O. I think if you strapped Attorney General Eric Holder to an ant hill and cover him in sorghum syrup, that would be a good start. I would suggest also that you quit wasting our tax dollars flying around the country doing photo-ops. Try being a leader for a change.
I am afraid I am going to have to stop here. An IRS agent is banging on my door and the FBI says my confidential source is on the other line. Also, there is a guy dressed like Donald Duck who has a book of matches in his hand and is speaking Farsi. The Answer Man wishes now he had agreed to take out the trash.
You can reach Dick Yarbrough at firstname.lastname@example.org or P.O. Box 725373, Atlanta, GA 31139.