The silver Volkswagen Beetle was doing 75 in a 55-mile-an-hour zone. A Bibb County sheriff’s deputy pulled the car over at the intersection of Ga. 247 and Allen Road the evening of April 23. According to an incident report, the cop smelled alcohol coming from the car and asked the driver her name. When the deputy checked the name it came back to a man. “Yeah, I know,” the driver replied, “that is me. I had an operation ... that gave me (breasts) and cut my (penis) off. I go through this every time I get pulled over.” The deputy, in his report, said he told the driver the man listed on her license was 6 feet tall and that “she was nowhere near that.” The 5-foot-4 driver said, “Yeah, I lied about how tall I was when I went to get (that) license.” Other deputies arrived and used a fingerprint scanner to identify the woman as a 48-year-old from Kathleen. A deputy noted “the strong odor of alcoholic beverage coming from her breath.” She was then given some sobriety tests, but refused others and said, “Take me to jail.”
A shoplifter at Lowe’s on Zebulon Road pocketed a $15 assortment of nuts, bolts and washers. When employees at the store tried to keep the alleged thief from walking out, he tussled with them and ran. He leaped a checkout counter and smacked a worker in the face, according to Bibb County sheriff’s report of the April 28 incident. But he didn’t get away. A sheriff’s deputy arrived and asked the suspect how he was doing. “Not good, sir. I messed up,” the 40-year-old suspect said. “I took some bolts and tried to leave without paying for them. I’m sorry, man! But I want you to know they assaulted me.” The deputy thanked the man for his candor and read him his rights. The man, charged with shoplifting and simple battery, complained that the employees took away his cellphone. “I asked what was it he (was) holding in his hands,” the deputy noted in his write-up. “He looked down and saw it was his phone and went, ‘Oh.’ ’’
A guy walking up Hazel Street near the Bibb jail April 23 was drinking something wrapped in a black sack. He dropped the bag when he realized a deputy was watching. The deputy cruised up to him in a patrol car. “Sir,” the man, 47, told the cop, “I was wrong for drinking that beer.” They went to the spot where the sack was dropped at Hazel and Jackson streets. The sack was in a storm drain. The man reached down and retrieved the bag and the 25-ounce can of Budweiser inside it. The deputy pointed out that the can was empty. The man, who was cited for littering and violating an open-container law, said of the beer, “I drunk it all before I threw it down.”
Dispatches: Not long after daybreak April 25, an employee at Bentley & Sons Funeral Home on Montpelier Avenue noticed something odd about one of the company’s limos. All four of its wheels were missing. Thieves, according to a sheriff’s report, left the 2001 Cadillac perched on bricks and concrete blocks. ... On April 28, a woman who lives on Macon’s Mikado Avenue, east of Houston Avenue, told a Bibb deputy that her son, 29, had cut her grass. Then he demanded she pay him. When she didn’t, an incident report noted, he “became angry and started ripping limbs from her bushes and throwing them.” ... A shoplifter at Victoria’s Secret in The Shoppes at River Crossing made off with an armload of panties April 27. The undergarments, some $580 worth, were described in a sheriff’s report as “Very Sexy Cheeky Panties.” There was no description of the panty pilferer, but whoever it was, the report noted, “went out the front door leaving a trail of panties behind them.”
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Note to midstate law enforcement agencies: Email reports of humorous or unusual crimes and situations your officers encounter to firstname.lastname@example.org.