I’m on vacation this week, O Best Ones, so I won’t be writing a column.
And because when The Cool Kid brings it, he brings it fully armored and wearing a snorkel, I won’t be writing just one column, I won’t be writing eight columns.
Just so you’ll know what you won’t be missing, here are descriptions of the eight columns I won’t be writing:
The Cool Kid’s 10 favorite books. I don’t care, so why should you?
The Cool Kid’s 10 favorite numbers. That would fall under my bidness, not yours.
“The Martin” by Andy Weir is the rare self-published ebook to later be put out as a book book by a major publisher. Were I to write this column (which I won’t be), not only would it be timely -- the movie version is currently in theaters -- it would also subject you to the subjunctive.
With the proper punctuation, you can make the following sentences grammatically correct: “That that is is that that is not is not is that it it is.” Since I won’t be writing this column, you’ll need to look up the answer on Wikipedia, which was where I discovered it. Or, if it turns out that The Cool Kid is Hammurabi reborn, you might find the answer somewhere below.
The shortest word in the English language is how much I care about chickens.
My dog Hoover pretended to read. It made me very suspicious of him. Paradoxically, Mrs. Cool Kid pretends to care and I fall for it every time.
“Tome” -- which is a synonym for “book” -- is only one letter removed from “time.” Paradoxically, “quarto” -- another synonym for “book” -- is five letters removed from “Uranus.”
The Cool Kid’s 10 favorite literary paradoxes. No. 1 would be this column I won’t be writing since I’m on vacation. Except that there can’t be a No. 1 because I won’t be writing that paradox column anymore than I’m writing this one. Capisce?
ANSWER: That that is, is. That that is not, is not. Is that it? It is.
To contact writer Randy Waters, call 744-4240 or email firstname.lastname@example.org.