HARMON: To crimp or not to crimp

April 30, 2014 

I don’t claim to be a consumer affairs expert, but I did buy one of those hoses that curl up like an accordion when you turn off the water. The expert on television told me my old hose would crimp with the water running and crimping, according to the experts, is just about the worst thing a hose can do. An old hose can leak, dribble at an inopportune time, or fly off the spigot, but if it crimps you’re in need of a hose specialist. And yes, this person can be found on television.

Leaking or dribbling was not the case with my new, “will not crimp hose.” In fact, it worked very well for about a week on flowers and dog poop and never crimped. Straight and true the water would come gushing forth out the plastic nozzle aimed at flora and feculence. And during that week, whenever my specialist would come on television and espouse the virtues of my hose, I would raise my fist and say, “Right on brother, this is the greatest creation since ... woman.”

So today I got the wave runner out for spring cleaning and was excited about the prospect of getting a chance to once again use my hose, the one that never crimps and always gets the job done. I had bought the short version for $19.99, which is about what most things on television cost, but if you need an extension, you can buy one for jobs that seem to be just out of reach.

Because I had a short hose, I pulled the wave runner close to the spigot, in order to get maximum pressure, to ensure I got rid of some cobwebs (the old girl hadn’t been run in a while) and turned on the water. True to the advertisements, my non-crimping hose came on like a water cannon and I hosed the wave runner down in a pre-wash regimen to prepare for the soap. I like to use a lot of soap so I get that concentrated blue stuff you can buy at Wal-Mart for an arm and a leg. It’s “guaranteed” to give you six inches of bubbles and one inch of concentrated washing power when put in the tub.

But I digress. Once the soap hit the wave runner I could tell I was going to have to use the hose quite often. No big deal. I’d been there before with the old hose and was used to the routine. So I cranked it up on “high” you might say, and wouldn’t you know it, it sprung a leak. Never crimped mind you, just sprung a leak. And the leak that it sprung was the equivalent of what I had coming out the nozzle, which as I said, was substantial, but was about two feet down the hose. So now I was essentially rinsing with two hoses at the same time. I love efficiency.

This went on for 10 minutes or so, wash, rinse twice, wash, rinse twice and then my non-crimp hose sprung another leak, a little further on down the line. The second leak was a major gusher and reminded me of the Texas oil fields from that movie, “Giants.” Water was going everywhere and I had my hand on the only parts of the hose I could control, the nozzle and leak number one.

The giant leak was between me and the spigot but I must say, that hose never crimped. Instead it acted as though it was looking for something to soak and as providence would have it, there was just me and the wave runner, and it was already wet.

It began to soak me. I’ve got one hand on the nozzle and the other hand on the first leak wondering how long it would take for the city to run out of water. That hose was not going to crimp. I grew up in a time when television could be trusted. When someone said, “Winston tastes good like a cigarette should,” you could believe it. And you still can. You may get “soaked” but one thing’s for sure. That hose ain’t gonna crimp.

Sonny Harmon is a professor emeritus at Georgia Military College. Visit his blog at http://sharmon09.blogspot.com.

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