HARMON: Mumbling and stumbling

January 22, 2014 

Mumbling will get you in trouble. I’m either mumbling or she needs a hearing aid. Maybe we both need hearing aids because the wife is starting to hear things I don’t actually say and I’m hearing things I wish I hadn’t.

My grandfathers never used a hearing aid and they seemed to do just fine and were allowed to stay somewhat in command until their late 80s. There’s a lesson there somewhere, but I digress.

This hearing thing came to light the other day when I made the mistake of mumbling something or other about “I’ll do” the grocery shopping and it somehow got “conscrewed” that I wanted to do the actual grocery shopping. You know, where you use a cart and stroll through the store with other Neanderthals who look like they’ve been staring into a bright light since their wedding day.

In reality, I was mumbling about the grocery shopping where you use the little basket and pick up milk, eggs and bread (Neanderthals are good at finding eggs). Those items are easy to find because they’re usually in the same general area. The problem comes when the store has a deli. When you throw in a deli, finding the bread gets complicated because the deli is where they keep the bread with seeds.

Bread with seeds is supposed to be healthier. Seeds don’t like to stay in the digestive tract of the person who eats them for very long. When they come out, they drag other stuff with them, thus the cleansing effect ads we see TV tout, which folks pay arms and legs for, but in reality can be had by simply eating more seeds.

White bread can be found near the unhealthy items like sodas and nachos. The deli can complicate finding the cheese as well. Good old American cheese (dogs love it) is near the milk, but a deli means the fancy cheese that goes with wine and saltine crackers (well, sometimes) will be over in the deli. Most rich folks shop around the deli where they can get their wine, cheese and bread with seeds. Show me a constipated rich person and I’ll show you one who eats too much cheese.

So last week I found myself wandering through a very large Kroger looking for canola oil and frozen shredded potatoes. A marked man I was, wandering with a look that said, I know I shouldn’t be here doing this but I am no longer in command. I’m thankful I can at least walk through Kroger unaided, although I’ve picked the only cart with three wheels that work and one that’s waiting for a check.

You have to understand that women don’t wander in Kroger. Women do beelines, not because they know where to find the honey, but because they know where to find all the other stuff. And most of them know Neanderthals don’t know where to look for stuff and sooner or later we’re going to have to ask one of them where to find the frozen shredded potatoes. “In the frozen food aisle,” one of them says with a look of “duh.” Yes, makes sense, until you find out that there’s this stuff called ice cream and it’s also in a frozen food aisle ...”duh.”

But we freeze fruits and veggies and that’s where the shredded potatoes can be found so the “weaker” sex wins again and Mr. Neanderthal continues his trek through Kroger. Cereal is another story because cave guys have been eating this crap for years and know where it can be found ... on the aisle that says “cereal.” Finding the kind you want is another matter because there are hundreds of different kinds of cereal from Yummy Mummy to Frankenberry, designed to rot children’s teeth. Finding a healthy one can be a challenge. But, somebody’s buying these chemicals, so Mr. Neanderthal gets in line.

Cornflakes are down on the left because they start with “C.” I wandered in the Kroger for an hour and a half until I had to admit that my wife does indeed need a hearing aid.

Sonny Harmon is an educator at Georgia Military College. Visit his blog at http://sharmon09.blogspot.com.

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