Comments (0) | |

Wednesday, Jan. 07, 2009

MURRAY COLUMN: Haul the sofa off the porch; here come the cops!

In the rush of the holidays, I recognize that all of you don’t read the paper or keep up with the news quite as religiously as you do the rest of the year. So you might have missed this little news item out of Albany (I confess I almost didn’t see it myself.)

Late in the year, the city fathers of the South Georgia city that shares only a spelling with the state capital of New York took it upon themselves to address a worrisome local problem: sofas on the porch.

That’s right. It seems that the powers that be down there have finally had it with Bubba and Tammy dragging the ol’ settee out onto the front verandah, broken springs and all, and plopping down to watch the world go by, while shelling a mess of peas. And on occasion, not content with the porch, some members of the Culhane clan were known to take a couple of dinette chairs and set ‘em up in the dirt under the tree right beside the road.

Now that just won’t do for the taste police.

Prodded by the Keep Albany as Beautiful as Possible - Considering It’s Albany (the KABAP-CIA), the city council worked up an ordinance that bans the use of indoor furniture on open porches (and yards) within the city limits. Outdoor, or patio furniture, is excluded from the ban, and apparently anything goes on enclosed porches.

I can’t help but wonder how it’s decided what exactly qualifies as “indoor” furniture. What about that old porch glider where Uncle Rufus throwed a couple of exhausted pillows that the dog used to lay on, then covered with Aunt Gertrude’s pink chennille bedspread that the cats kinda tore up? Indoor, or outdoor?

Well, last I heard there are still plenty of lawyers in Albany, enough to sort all this out.

Having grown up (mostly) about a long coon hunt away from there, I must admit a little surprise that folks in Albany have put on the kind of airs that take exception to a little outside rec room action. Thomasville, maybe. But AWL-benny?

And what’s next? No more washing machines and refrigerators next to the front steps? And what about those icons of folk art — the white-painted rows of tires half-buried along the borders of the driveway? Surely the Tacky Patrol wouldn’t touch those. Is nothing sacred?

We can only hope that this decor correctness doesn’t spread north across the Gnat Line. I don’t know for sure (what with City Attorney Jim Elliott leaving like he did) that Warner Robins doesn’t a similar ordinance, or plans for one.

But with Mayor Donald Walker in charge, I feel pretty secure the cops here aren’t going to start confiscating contraband couches.

Now, Centerville . . . hmmmmm.